Both sides must admit wrong and apologize

Dear Annie: My close friend, “Jennifer,” just turned 25, and to celebrate, she made plans to go out for drinks with her closest friends. The bar was crowded that night, and within minutes she wanted to leave. She took us all aside and told us she was moving the party back to her house. However, she said if we didn’t want to go back to her house, she would not be offended or upset if we chose to stay at the bar.

When she left, half of her friends went with her and the other half stayed at the bar — myself included. After an hour, I called Jennifer to see how things were going, and she told me she was terribly hurt that so many of her friends had not cared enough about her birthday to leave the bar when she did. I left immediately.

The group of friends who stayed at the bar were singles wanting to meet people. Some of us don’t have the opportunity to get out much. When Jennifer said she would not be offended if they didn’t follow her, we believed it was OK to stay.

Since that night, Jennifer has not spoken to those friends who stayed at the bar. I hate to see my friends split up like this. Who’s at fault? — Confused in Connecticut

Dear Confused: Don’t you just love it when people say things they don’t really mean — and then punish you for taking them at their word? Jennifer should not have told her friends it was OK to stay if she felt otherwise. She obviously considered it a test of their loyalty — and they failed. However, since the evening was intended to be a celebration of Jennifer’s birthday, the guests should have followed her home regardless of what she said. We say both parties are at fault. Perhaps you can broker a mutual apology so everyone can be friends again.

Dear Annie: My wife and I frequently receive requests from family members and friends asking for money for charitable causes. For example, friends of ours are packing up their whole family and moving to a foreign country to do mission work for two years. They need to raise $100,000 to support themselves, so they are soliciting donations. We have three family members who are doing a walk to benefit breast cancer research, and they each need to raise $2,000.

While we agree that all of the causes are heartfelt and worthy, we are slowly being drained by these requests. At first, we donated what we could — $20 here, $30 there — but the requests are so numerous now that we don’t know what to do. We don’t have a lot of extra cash to pass around.

The problem is, we feel awkward if we don’t make a pledge or donation. We don’t want them to think we are stingy or coldhearted, but we are overwhelmed. I appreciate people’s good intentions, but how can we gracefully decline without hurting anyone’s feelings or being thought selfish cheapskates? — Can’t Afford It

Dear Can’t Afford It: Don’t worry so much about what others will think of you. If you can manage to donate a smaller amount, fine, but otherwise, simply say, “I wish we could help you out, but it’s just not possible right now. Maybe next time.” Repeat as needed.

Dear Annie: I am writing in response to “Crying Mother,” who was upset because her daughters discussed putting her in a nursing home.

I am 51, and for years, my daughters have told me they are going to put me in a home. One day while vacationing in Florida, I saw a big, beautiful house on a hill overlooking the ocean. I looked at my daughters and said, “If you’re putting me in a home, I want that one!” — Living Happily in Michigan

Dear Living: You have a cute sense of humor, but you are only 51, and “the home” seems distant. Those closer to the event tend to find it much less amusing.