Sorry, pup, but life cuts both ways

My wife gracefully and courageously gave birth to our two daughters.

Then she wanted revenge.

She endured 18 months of morning sickness, waddling, restroom dependency, plus 30-some hours of labor and all the stitches associated with delivery.

How could I argue when she suggested it was my turn to get snipped?

But that wasn’t enough. Now she’s after the dog. Actually, she’s after the second dog since waving bye-bye to her child-bearing years.

I wrote the first version of this column nine years ago when the issue came up with Radar, who was then a 17-week-old Brittany already showing considerable hunting prowess. His record was clean, with no offenses warranting heinous acts.

Meredith wanted to neuter him anyway.

Now, as Radar relaxes and reflects on many great hunting seasons while lounging on his pillow, Meredith wants to inflict the same injustice on Dickens, our English setter pup, who’s been sticking pigeons with solid tail-to-the-sky points since he was 9 weeks old.

Here’s how the story unfolded nearly a decade ago, and nothing has changed.

“We’re not into show dogs or breeding,” she said. “I want Radar to be a good family dog as well as a hunting dog.”

Determined to prove I was willing to maturely discuss this issue with an open mind, I said, “Touch that dog’s testicles and you die, woman!”

She was calm and undaunted, as though she knew what she was talking about.

“A neutered dog is less likely to get away and get hit by a car and we won’t have to worry about him grabbing hold of baby sitters and doing embarrassing things,” she said, referring to an isolated, but legendary, episode involving hall-of-fame baby sitter Mary Beth and our now-deceased wonder dog, Sage, God rest his canine soul.

“You wouldn’t care if Radar turned into a fat, lazy lap dog that has no more ambition than to sit in the yard and look stupid,” I said.

“Intact dogs go crazy when they smell a female dog in heat,” she said.

“The best protection against runaway dogs is a leash, a good fence and obedience training,” I said, adding that running away wasn’t such a bad idea.

I’d take the dog with me.

Regaining some composure, I starting making calls to 10 veterinarians and professionals involved with hunting dogs. Turns out the subject of neutering male dogs inspires spirited debate among professionals, too.

Unanimous agreement prevailed on some issues:

“I’ve never found a connection between a dog’s nose and his testicles,” said Dr. Vern Brock of Manito Veterinary Clinic.

“Neutering has no effect on a dog’s ability to hunt,” said Bill Tarrant, formerly Field & Stream’s gun dog editor.

Wide disagreement derailed certain theories:

“The latest research indicates that neutering a dog at a young age causes the long bones to grow longer, but there’s no effect on muscle development,” said Dr. Veronika Kiklevich of the Washington State University Veterinary School.

“I don’t like to neuter a dog until it’s at least 6 months old, because I think the dog needs the hormones for proper growth and development,” said Dr. Dick Royse of Wichita, Kan., Tarrant’s veterinary mentor for more than 30 years.

“Don’t wait too long,” Kiklevich said. “As soon as a male dog starts marking behavior or wandering, neutering may not correct the problem.”

“Neutering will get rid of or diminish nasty sexual habits that develop at any age,” Royse said. “My Lab was 3 years old when he started peeing on the furniture. Neutering stopped the problem.”

Consensus, at least, was possible on some topics:

“Dog’s don’t get fat because they’re neutered,” said Dr. Fritz Hunter, who’s turned his practice over to his son, Brian, at Hunter Veterinary Clinic. “Dogs get fat if they’re overfed and under-exercised.”

“Neutering only changes behavior that’s sexually specific, such as urine marking, aggressiveness with other male dogs, desire to roam and mounting,” said Dr. James Rowan, formerly of South Grand Veterinary Clinic. “Behaviors we cherish — hunting ability, loyalty of family and defense of the home — are not sexual functions and therefore are not influenced.”

“Academically I agree with that,” said Dr. Marybeth Porter, who practices at South Grand. “Some people feel there’s a little decrease in drive, but dogs tend to have a natural decrease in drive as they get older, so it’s hard to demonstrate that neutering is the cause.”

Six of eight veterinarians recommend waiting until the dog is at least 6 months old to neuter a hunting dog, primarily to avoid anesthesia complications, but newer techniques have allowed some of them to bring the recommended minimum down a month or so.

All of the professionals recommended neutering hunting dogs by the age of 7 or 8 years to reduce risk of geriatric ailments such as prostate cancer.

Nine years ago, I apologized to Radar and noted that our case was crumbling like Mark Fuhrman’s credibility.

Now I have to break the news to Dickens that I’d have better odds defending Paris Hilton as a role model than winning this family feud.

“Once a bird-dog owner breaks down and neuters a male dog,” Fritz Hunter said, “he never hesitates to do it to the next pup.”