Avoid making plans around mealtimes

Dear Annie: “Jessie” and I have been friends for almost a year. Her children are the same ages as mine, and they get along great. The problem is, Jessie has a tendency to overstay her welcome when she comes to visit, which is often. On more than one occasion she has stayed until dinnertime, and being the gracious person that I am, I end up making dinner for her children as well as my own.

Last week, Jessie and I met at the zoo during lunchtime. I came fully prepared with sandwiches and drinks for my kids. She brought a small bag of crackers. After polishing off their snacks, her kids started eyeballing our sandwiches and whining about how hungry they were. When Jessie didn’t offer to buy her children another snack, I felt obliged to make my kids share their food.

Jessie doesn’t get my hints about leaving my house, and this situation is starting to get on my nerves. I don’t mean to sound petty, but Jessie has never invited us over for anything, although they’ve been to our place many times. I know it isn’t an issue of money. Jessie and her husband spend plenty on nice vacations and theater tickets.

I hate to cut ties with her, since the kids adore one another, but I don’t know what else to do. I’d appreciate your advice on this. — Miffed in Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Miffed: Jessie knows she can count on you to feed her children. That is why she insists on bringing them to your house when meals are served and why she doesn’t bring lunches to the zoo when she knows you will be there. If you’re certain it isn’t a money issue, you should be less accommodating and more direct about it.

Never schedule anything with Jessie that will involve a meal. If she comes to your house and won’t leave, tell her, “So sorry I can’t have the kids stay for dinner. I’ll call you.” Then usher her children out the door, and when Jessie follows, close it.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Lonely Grandma” and had to reply. She said the only time she saw her married son was if she went to his house, yet he visited his in-laws often. I could be “Grandma’s” daughter. My husband and I rarely visit my mother, but we have wonderful relations with my in-laws. Here’s why:

My mother hoards everything, including animals. Visiting her house is a nightmare. Our eyes swell shut from allergies, and the smell is nauseating. In addition, the clutter leaves no room to sit down. To top it off, Mom insists on telling us how to live our lives and thinks she can do no wrong.

Perhaps “Lonely Grandma” has pushed too far into her son’s privacy and created tension in his marriage. Maybe he really is a jerk. I just wanted you to have the other side. — Frustrated Daughter

Dear Frustrated: You could be right. If parents are estranged from their children, they should consider the possibility that it’s at least partly their own fault. Here’s one more:

Dear Annie: My mother-in-law wouldn’t stop smoking around our infant son, so we insisted she visit her grandson in our house, where we could control the situation. Maybe “Grandma” needs to re-evaluate her own behavior. — Indiana

Dear Annie: I disagree with your response to “Annoyed in Nebraska.” You said it is OK to have a bridal shower “in absentia” if the bride can’t be bothered to attend. I think it is wrong to expect someone to purchase a gift for a guest of honor who won’t attend her own shower. — Married in Camarillo, Calif.

Dear Camarillo: You misunderstand the situation. Assume the bride lives in Brazil. The groom’s family and friends live in Chicago, but they would like to give her a shower anyway. It’s OK under those circumstances to do it without the bride.