Yes, run screaming if tempted

Dear Carolyn: I’m scheduled to be married in January. My fiancée has absolutely put her foot down that she will not have one of my groomsmen in the wedding party because she’s upset about his facial hair. His beard goes, or he does. The beard is, admittedly, scraggly, but my position is that it’s his face.

My friend has taken the completely understandable position that he will not be dictated to and therefore must decline to participate.

My fiancée is adamant that her day would be ruined by this guy’s beard. I’ve always been drilled that the wedding is the bride’s day, and the groom’s major function is to show up, on time and sober. But I am genuinely scared this is an early exhibition of control-freakishness on her part that I haven’t seen before. Is this a good time to postpone the wedding, or run away screaming that I found out in time? My fiancée has not given any indication that I’m her lifelong renovation project, but this symptom bothers me. – M.

Good. Grotesquely misplaced priorities are supposed to bother you, especially when you’re engaged to them.

So, yes, you should postpone. Or run screaming. From a lifelong commitment. Over third-party facial sprouts. I almost can’t believe I’m saying this.

Consider it a testament to the disbelief your fiancée merits, which is epic.

Of all the things to be adamant about – social justice, world peace, marrying you – she has chosen this?

There’s no way a person can value her own vanity over another person’s feelings without it saying something about her. Optimistically, it’s about maturity; pessimistically, character. Either way it’s an absence thereof, an absence that you, most emphatically, don’t want at the heart of your home till death do you part.

To the right woman, you’d get married wearing a flour sack in a barn by a licensed Pig of the Peace. Right? Banish that “her day” bull-bagel from your brain and know this: The right woman would do the same to be with you. And, you’d be just as married as the big spenders.

Flashcard version for the rant-impaired: Wedding, formality. Marriage, point.

I suppose you can say this, giving her one last chance to get her head out of her crinoline, but I tend to think anyone who’s even tempted to “run away screaming,” for any reason, probably should. I think you’ll find that any forfeited deposits (which you will graciously offer to pay) meet the standard of money well spent.

Dear Carolyn: What is the appropriate step to take when you and several friends have noticed some serious verbal abuse in another friend’s marriage? We often witness it and listen to her make excuses or write it off as his being “grumpy.” Some think it’s just because he has anger issues and we shouldn’t say anything. I think we let her know what we have witnessed and are concerned. – When to Interfere?

I think what you think. What are “anger issues” if not verbal abuse? And what is verbal abuse if not abuse?

But don’t start there. If you attack him, she will defend him.

Instead, point out unhappiness you’ve noticed in her – as examples, cite all those excuses she makes – and your worries. Stick with her. Aim for lasting message, not instant miracle.