Allow spouse freedom to choose

Dear Miss Manners: My husband of 14 years and I, with our young children, participate in many social activities, and worship services, regularly throughout the year.

But, at Christmastime, my husband refuses to attend either of these. He explains that he is a real friend/congregant, and to go during Christmastime belittles the experiences for him; Christmas parties and services are for “amateurs,” and therefore to be avoided.

In the past, I have either stayed home during these (to me) important events or gone with my children without him. I do not wish to deprive my children of these experiences or give the impression that Mama is nicer/holier than Dad.

Neither seems correct. Either way, I am the one left making excuses – either why we were unable to attend, or where on earth my husband is. I once told the questioner to ask my husband when next they met, but, to my horror, he gave them the whole unvarnished truth as to his reasons, leaving them with the impression that he thought they were one of the said “amateurs”!

I now much prefer to make my own excuses, but what should they be, and should I stay or should I go?

Gentle Reader: Is there no freedom of religion at your house? And why do you think that going to Christmas festivities would make you appear holier than your husband, whose purism is what you find objectionable?

Miss Manners fails to see why you and your husband cannot disagree about Christmas celebrations. Why can’t you each attend what you find meaningful? And why can’t the children hear that there are two points of view here?

In answering inquiry, a complicated theological one would be best, as it would lead to either a mutually respectful discussion or a hasty exit.

Dear Miss Manners: Each year my husband and I host a Christmas party at our home for business associates and friends and family. I receive quite a few hostess gifts, but I am so busy greeting everyone, getting drinks and so on that I usually just set aside the gifts and open them at a later time.

Should I be taking the time to open the gift immediately and acknowledge it, or should I simply thank them and do as I usually do and set them aside to open later? I do feel rude doing this, but I am just so busy being the hostess with the mostest.

Gentle Reader: The little present you most need is a felt-tipped pen. Put it on a small table near the door where you can stash the presents, and as soon as you have thanked the new arrivals and sped them toward the drinks, scribble their names on the package. That way, you can send them charming little notes after the party. Miss Manners assures you that you need not feel wrong not to open the presents at the time, which might be embarrassing to those who did not bring anything.