Colleagues’ friendship weathers eggnog test

Christmas sparks conflict. Whether over who bought the best presents, who gets the last chunk of homemade candy or who doesn’t have to eat grandma’s fruitcake, it happens.

Add eggnog to those points of divergence.

Over a couple of brews at a local billiards pub, local movie master and colleague Dan Webster and I nearly came to blows over the holiday elixir.

OK, it wasn’t that intense, but we definitely had a disagreement that deteriorated into hand signals. I was happily rubbing my stomach going “mmmm” while he was sticking his finger down his throat and emitting gagging sounds.

So we wondered, “How would Georgia Senator Zell Miller settle this argument?”

I figured my opponent’s military service would give him an unfair advantage in gun handling, so a duel was out of the question. Sorry, senator. Dan and I decided to take it outside … and across the street to the printing press.

He sent me his “bottom seven” reasons why he hates the nog. I wrote my top seven for loving it. Read on, and decide for yourself. Here’s what he said:

“I grew up loving Christmas. It was just about the only time of year that my family was able to get along.

But there’s one thing about Christmas that I loathe. And that one thing is eggnog.

I can think of many reasons why eggnog nauseates me. But I’ll share only seven:

1. It owes its origins to the snooty English upper class, the only people who could afford to keep chickens and dairy cattle before refrigeration.

2. Even if it has been refrigerated, it tastes like a milk shake that’s been sitting in the sun for a week or three.

3. After a big holiday meal, it’s often the first thing to come back up.

4. Speaking of coming back up, its color reminds me of the mayonnaise-mustard mix that Mom used to slather on the white-bread sandwiches she served to my brothers and me throughout elementary school.

5. It’s not exactly an alcoholic drink, not exactly a G-rated cocktail, and it leaves an unsightly milklike mustache.

6. It reminds me of Rocky Balboa quaffing a blender full of raw ones …

7. … and if I’m going to eat eggs, I prefer them served over easy with a side of hash browns.”

Now that you’ve read Dan Webster’s reasons for hating eggnog, scope my reasons for loving the nutmeggy nectar:

1. Nog-stalgia. Drinking eggnog reminds me of my childhood. More specifically, it reminds me of the time I bought a quart of it with my allowance and had to chug it before I got home because I didn’t want my mom to yell at me for spoiling my dinner. I got sick, which isn’t a good advertisement for nog, but anything that takes me back to my childhood is cool.

2. Whoever thought drinking eggs could be so tasty? The nutmeg and sugar make this drink A OK. And if you can’t consume eggs or dairy (attention vegans), try one of the brands of soy nog on the market.

3. Eggnog is the Guinness of non-alcoholic drinks. Thick and rich, it drinks like a meal.

4. It can be mixed with just about anything: coffee, Sierra Mist, rum, brandy, bourbon, you name it. The liquor store also sells pre-mixed alcoholic nog, even though it’s not as good as mixing it yourself. Try making a hefty “nog-slide” sometime; just take a traditional mud slide (Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, milk), and substitute nog for the Bailey’s and half of the milk portion. According to www.indepthinfo.com, George Washington used to drink mass quantities of his own eggnog concoction, which included rye whiskey, rum and sherry. Proportions for his mix are unknown, but word is, it was crazy strong. So why not experiment? You might end up president.

5. If you’re trying to bulk up for a big body-building exhibition, eggnog is a palatable alternative to the traditional dose of raw eggs in your morning OJ.

6. Nog lends itself to festive wit and wordplay. For example, if a friend spills it on the couch, you can give him a hard time for “nogging all over the place.”

7. Like Santa and winter brews, it only comes around once a year, so no matter how much you drink this season, you’ll be aching for it again next time it hits the shelves. So get out there and do the nog, already. And try not to drink so much that you have to taste it twice.