If you were president …

OK, so you have been elected — or appointed — president of the United States, and now it is the morning after Inauguration Day, and you are sitting on the end of the bed in the White House family quarters wondering what in the heck the leader of the free world, the most powerful person on the planet, has to do to get a cup of coffee.

You figure you can’t just throw on a jacket and some sweat pants and drive over to the nearest Starbucks because 1.) half the Secret Service will want to come along, 2.) you don’t know where your car is, and 3.) with all the hubbub yesterday, you forgot to hit an ATM.

It crosses your mind to pick up the phone, but you seem to remember something about certain lines being for emergency situations only, and needing a cup of coffee probably isn’t one of them.

So what do you do? If you are smart, you grab your copy of an informative and fun book called “How To Be President” by Stephen P. Williams, and you turn to Page 14, where you learn that a call to the White House operator can put you in touch with your valet or the kitchen directly, and all the coffee you want.

Nah, there’s nothing simple about being president, particularly dealing with the mundane daily stuff most of us take for granted. You think foreign policy is complicated? Try getting a pizza delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. if you don’t know the proper protocol.

What can be equally confusing is keeping track of what you, the president, have to pay for out of your own pocket and what expenses are, well, on the house.

Based on Williams’ 126-page softcover breakdown ($9.95 from Chronicle Books), here is a sampling of the ins and outs associated with living in the White House:

Bed linens: Every president gets a new set, which was probably no small source of relief for the current, post-Clinton occupant.

Laundry: Hampers are positioned throughout the private residence for dirty clothes, which are washed and dried by the White House laundry. If you want something dry-cleaned, however, you have to pay for it.

Packing: The White House staff will pack your bags, and a valet will unpack them on the road.

Pets: You can have any kind you want, and the staff will take care of the feeding and walking, if necessary. (Apparently the president himself has to carry his dog up and down airplane stairs, though.)

Housework: The White House employs a staff of 92 to serve the first family and guests and to maintain the personal quarters.

Meals: The digs come with five full-time and 20 part-time chefs. There is no charge for meals.

Snacks: Every fridge in the White House, except those in the private quarters, is stocked with free Coke and Pepsi, which have been donated along with chips, pretzels and other junk food. If you want to choke on a pretzel in the private quarters, you have to pay for it.

Medical bills: These expenses are covered, including psychiatrist’s visits.

Parking: You get three reserved spaces behind the West Wing, but you aren’t allowed to drive in Washington.

TV: You get free cable. (Not sure about HBO.)

Movies: There is a theater in the White House where you can view any first-run movie you wish. The first row has La-Z-Boy recliners. (And guess who sits there?)

Social occasions: Most White House bashes are paid for by taxpayers. Exceptions are political functions, which must be paid for by the political party — in advance.

Protection: The president’s Secret Service protection continues for 10 years after he leaves the White House. The protection for a spouse ends if there is a divorce.