Play it again, Jerry

Memo to Jerry Bruckheimer:

Yo, Jerry, I’ll make this fast. I know you’re busy producing all those big-budget, smash-face movies. I mean, what with the two “Bad Boys” successes, “Pearl Harbor,” “Pirates of the Caribbean” and its sequel (expected in 2006), not to mention the three “CSI” television franchises (Las Vegas, Miami and next New York), “Cold Case” and “The Amazing Race” reality shows (five now and counting), I don’t know how you have a chance to breathe.

Much less spend your millions, heh-heh.

But seriously, I’ve got an idea for a film. Two words: King Arthur.

Don’t remember him? No prob. Here’s all you need to know: He lived a long time ago, he carried a sword, he was a king (naturally) and he killed a lot of people (though mostly those who deserved it).

I know, I know. It’s been done. Everybody from Disney to Monty Python has taken a shot. Plus there was that musical with Richard Harris singing.

Imagine that.

There won’t be any singing this time. We’re gonna update things. You know, throw in some speeches about equality of man, etc., etc. People love that stuff.

I hear Clive Owen is available. It doesn’t matter that he can’t pronounce the letter “l.” With that sexy mug and eyes bluer than Paul Newman’s, he’s got what it takes to sell lines like, “My knights, I’ve faiwed you!”

(He won’t really, fail that is, but we have to keep the audience guessing, right?)

His knights – how about we use, say, six of them – will be the standard lot, with names such as Gawain, Galahad and Lancelot. To save money, though, we’ll use unknowns (like Ioan Gruffudd as Lancelot, don’t even ask me to pronounce that mouthful) except for somebody like Ray Winstone (remember him from “Sexy Beast”?) for comic relief.

The concept? Hmmmm. Well, how about we borrow a bit from “Gladiator,” with our hero and his mates wanting to dump their uniforms and goooo hoooome! But then their bosses will double-cross them with One Last Mission.

And so these, uh, magnificent seven guys on big, big horses (get it?) will have to do their duty against, say, thousands and thousands of bearded guys (put some facial hair on Stellan Skarsgard and you’ll see what I mean).

Seven against thousands? Hah, that’s the fun part. See, all these painted guys (and the occasionally partially clad chick – hey you think we can get that “Pirates of the Caribbean” looker, Keira Knightley?) will come out of the forest like Robin Hoods playing “Braveheart.”

Not bad, eh?

And for the kicker, we’ll have the whole thing narrated by a dead guy.

Don’t worry. The audience won’t suspect a thing. Twelve-year-olds aren’t that smart.

But, then, you already know that. Right, Jer?