She may be depressed; ask for counseling

Dear Annie: I have been married to “Doris” for 30 years, and we have three grown children. Doris and I have not been intimate for over two years, and our sex life wasn’t so great before that. We don’t sleep in the same room, much less the same bed. She won’t talk to me about it, either. Doris and I get along OK, but I’ve lost all desire for her. In fact, I don’t really want to be married to her anymore. We never go out together. We eat our meals at different times and in different areas of the house. We spend most of our time in separate rooms, reading different books or watching different television shows. Doris has withdrawn not only from me but also from our children, her family, friends and neighbors. She rarely answers the phone and refuses to attend social events. Her behavior has alienated most of our friends. The only thing Doris seems to be interested in is exercise. She spends 20 hours a week running, bicycling and working out. She says it makes her feel better and gives her time to relax and think. Of course, all this exercising, along with a full-time job, means she has no room for other things. How can I get out of this unfulfilling marriage and minimize the hurt I will cause Doris and my children? I still feel an obligation to her, but I want a chance to be happy, whether by myself or with someone who wants me. Can you at least confirm that I am justified to be thinking about this? — Miserable in Denver Dear Denver: You are justified. However, it sounds to us as if Doris is clinically depressed, and she may be going through menopause as well. The constant exercise probably makes her feel good because it releases endorphins (natural pain relievers) into her bloodstream. Has Doris discussed her lack of libido and her social isolation with her doctor? Ask her to look into this before her attitude wrecks what’s left of your marriage. She needs to understand how close to the brink you are. Also ask her to go with you for marriage counseling, and, as always, if she refuses, go without her. Dear Annie: I have worked for my current employer for six years. I started out doing grunt work and ended up as assistant manager. As soon as I became pregnant, however, I was demoted. Two months ago, our manager took a job in another city, and I thought I would be moved back to the assistant manager’s position. When nothing happened, I called my district manager, and he said, “I figured you would not want that position because you are a mom.” I was incensed. Worse, they hired a man, and I am training him. I have made up my mind to quit. The stress I put on myself and my family for this company is not worth it. Am I overreacting? — North Dakota Dear North Dakota: Has your district manager been living under a rock for the past 20 years? Demoting you when you became pregnant, and passing you over for a promotion because you have children, is called sexual discrimination, and you can sue the company. We recommend you contact a lawyer. Dear Annie: Can you print my pet peeve? It’s when people use the words “fewer” and “less” interchangeably. I was taught that when the subject is plural, use “fewer”; when it’s singular, use “less.” For example: Fewer people (plural) are eating red meat, but people are eating less red meat (singular). Am I right? — Grand Ledge, Mich. Dear Grand Ledge: You are correct. We’re more than happy to assist in your efforts to correct grammatical errors. We all can use the help. Thanks.