Self-awareness first step to learning how to stop fighting

Do you and your spouse growl and spit at each other? We’re not talking about simple arguing here. We’re talking about verbally digging into each other.

Many couples, especially if each has a strong personality, do get into verbal brawls. These encounters can hurt just as much as hitting.

It takes real self-awareness, coming from each partner, to end this type of hurtful behavior.

If you’re one of the couples needing help, you know how these situations go.

Every time a stressful situation comes up — driving in heavy traffic, having no milk in the fridge — you somehow end up driving the pain of the moment into each other.

You might even worry your verbal clashes will come to blows soon — if they haven’t already.

We live in a high-stress world where everyone argues from time to time. However, it’s strange to note that the only other adult most of us would consider yelling at is our mate.

A psychologist friend of ours, whom we’ll call Carl, says he has a technique to stop couples from heated quarreling. His clients tell him the technique is working.

Carl explains his technique this way: “I remind my clients that it takes two people to stop fighting. Now, I didn’t say it takes two people to engage in fighting. I said it takes two people to stop fighting.”

Carl explains that there are at least 10 times a day when couples could argue. We all hit those tense moments with our mates every single day. However, Carl tells his clients that each spouse must agree to resist the urge to fight, insult, nag, or push the other’s buttons.

“In other words, each has to monitor his own behavior — and make sure that no fight ensues,” says Carl.

Carl says he’s also given small children — fighting siblings — this advice, too. Each child learns to put up a “stop sign” on quarreling. Carl says children as young as 4 or 5 can catch on to his technique.

“I tell each child to stop and put his hands on top of his head when a fight is brewing in the air,” Carl explains. “Both siblings end up doing this — and it creates some great laughter.”

We were intrigued by Carl’s advice, so we asked two couples we know to try the technique — and they could use the children’s version of putting their hands on their heads if they wished.

We asked these couples to make a pact to resist the urge to verbally tear into each other. We knew these couples were fighters; they’d already asked us for tips on how to stop.

One couple told us it took a little practice, but Carl’s technique worked. We’ll call this couple Jim and Janet.

“Janet and I flubbed up a few times,” says Jim. “Fighting is a habit. We’d each start to get our backs up over silly things. But, after a few days of agreeing to monitor our behaviors, the bad quarreling went down to almost zero.”

Another couple, married last year, told us they made Carl’s technique work by having their young married friends call them down. We’ll call this pair Angel and Seth.

They’ve been working on fixing their fighting for about three months.

Angel and Seth were ruining their fun times by bickering. Even in a group of friends, they’d let it fly.

“We couldn’t go to a ballgame or restaurant without acting like fools,” says Angel. “We decided we’d enlist our friends to say ‘stop sign’ to stop us if we forgot. We heard ‘stop sign’ many times, but we finally got ourselves under control.”

Seth goes on to say he had a nagging father. He explains that Angel had a grumpy dad, too.

“I believe that Angel and I both learned to create tension in our lives by watching our dads,” says Seth. “You can become an expert at picking fights and making a fool of yourself. I believe we get a power trip or adrenaline high off of bickering. It’s a sick sport.”

He sums it up this way: “You must teach yourself not to react to things. You learn that nothing is worth wrecking your relationship over. Before the other person can back down, you have to back down as well. Believe me, it takes practice.”

Angel told us that their relationship feels kind of strange now. They have quietness and peace that neither is really used to.

“I wonder if couples that stop quarreling won’t feel that something is missing,” she laughs. “Believe me, it is. The sick entertainment is gone. After that goes, you have to learn to create a real relationship. That’s a challenge for Seth and me, but we’re learning.”

Angel goes on to explain her theories on quarreling. “I think that I’ve learned to equate verbal brawls with love or intimacy,” she says. “Since we’ve cut the craziness out, I’ll find myself wondering if Seth is tuned in to me. I worry that he is ignoring me.”

Angel is intelligent to step back and assess her new relationship. It isn’t like the old one. The tension is gone. But, so is the pain.

Verbally backing down and holding yourself accountable is new territory for certain people. But, the payoff is that you get to keep the marriage and skip divorce.

“What feels odd to me,” says Seth, “is that I’m relaxed now around Angel. I’m noticing her, instead of dodging the heat I used to get — or maybe the heat I helped create. I think we have real intimacy going on now. I never saw my parents have that. Neither did Angel.”