Oedipus phase should have passed by now

Dear Annie: Six weeks ago, my 11-year-old son walked in on my husband and me having sex. The door was locked, but “Ian” used a screwdriver to force it open.

Ian is still bothered by this. He says every time his dad and I are alone together he thinks we’re “doing it.” I have told him sex is a natural and wonderful way of showing our love, and that it is not dirty or bad, but he says he doesn’t trust me anymore.

Ian has spoken to his dad but still is so upset over this that he cries. I am not totally comfortable with the idea of having him see a psychiatrist, and I am too embarrassed for Ian to talk to our pastor. When I asked Ian if he would rather his parents be divorced, he said, “Maybe.” Is he just going through some Oedipal phase? Please help me iron this out. — Worried in Ohio

Dear Ohio: We spoke to noted child and adult psychoanalyst Dr. William J. Pieper about your son. Here is his response:

All children normally go through a phase in which they believe they can win the affections of the opposite-sex parent, but it usually ends by the age of 6 or 7. For some reason, Ian has never accepted the fact that you and his father have a romantic involvement that excludes him.

It is important that, in a kind and caring manner, you make clear that you and his dad have a special type of love that includes “making love,” and that when he is older he, too, will have that kind of relationship with someone wonderful. It is crucial that you not be defensive when you have this discussion. Ian needs to be reassured that no matter how upset he becomes, he cannot drive a wedge between you and your husband. So put a deadbolt on your door, and give him some time to grow out of this phase. If he is still this upset in six months, you should find him some professional counseling to help him move forward.

Dear Annie: I am in the seventh grade and never really had any close friends until I met “Maggie.” We do everything together. The problem is that another girl, “Ella,” follows us everywhere. Ella is sort of a social outcast. She doesn’t have many friends, and most kids are mean to her. Maggie and I usually are mean to her, too, but she insists on following us even though we have made it quite clear that we don’t really like her. We have politely asked her to leave us alone, we’ve ignored her, we’ve even been twice as mean, but nothing works.

Ella is in all of our classes, and we can’t get away from her. Maggie and I have started being nastier to Ella, and I feel bad about it, but we don’t know what else to do. — Look What Followed Me Home in Texas

Dear Texas: We’re relieved you feel bad about how mean you are to Ella, because we were beginning to worry about you. OK, we understand that you don’t want to hang around Ella, but here’s a chance to prove you are a decent person and you won’t be cringing in shame when you are older and look back at your behavior.

Ella needs a friend. For whatever reason, she has decided you and Maggie are as close as she is going to get. Instead of treating her like dirt (would you like that?), be kind. Teach her by example what type of behavior makes someone pleasant. She might turn out to be a loyal friend, and you will have achieved something noble.

Dear Annie: I am from Colombia, South America, and we place the wedding ring on the right hand. I notice that almost everywhere else, people wear it on the left hand. Do you know why? — Carlos

Dear Carlos: This custom comes from the belief that the third finger of the left hand has a vein leading directly to the heart. Thanks for asking.