This marriage is a mess; it’s time to get help

Dear Annie: I have been married for eight years. The man I married was a loving, caring person, but he has turned into a monster. For the last month, when he is not yelling at me, he’s criticizing me, or worse, he totally ignores me.

I know he had an affair four years ago (with my sister-in-law), and right now, he is acting a lot like he did then. His affair destroyed my whole family. It took me a long time to come to grips with it, and I don’t know if I could live through that again. Would I be wrong to cut my ties now and move on? — Confused in Alabama

Dear Confused: You are assuming your husband is having an affair, but you could be wrong. Of course, that doesn’t mean his current behavior is acceptable. It isn’t. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor, and ask Hubby to come with you. If he refuses, go without him. Your marriage is a mess, and you need to make some hard decisions. It will help to have some professional help.

Dear Annie: Our son, “Jed,” is 19 and on the path to destruction. In the past two years he has been in constant trouble. He has had one DUI and one ticket for driving too fast on icy roads (he hit a ditch and wrecked his car, which we make the payments on). Last month, he was caught drinking at school and was suspended for three days. Yesterday, he lost control of his car and is lucky to be alive.

Annie, we don’t know what to do. We have tried to guide Jed in the right direction and have talked to him about the consequences of his actions, but whatever we say falls on deaf ears. He is graduating in a week and doesn’t plan on attending college. He wants to move to a big town and get a job where his friends live. Some of his friends are not the best influences in his life.

I wouldn’t say Jed is spoiled, but he is definitely not a deprived child. My husband and I both work hard, and we have tried to instill that work ethic in him. Jed has a part-time job, but with his track record, I’m afraid real employment will be difficult. I don’t know if he will agree to counseling, but I think he needs to speak to someone. What do you say? — Down and Out

Dear Down: It sounds as if Jed may have a drinking problem. Counseling and AA are both good ideas, but only if Jed is willing to make changes. It’s hard to convince a 19-year-old that you expect more from him than he thinks he can deliver.

Ask Jed if he will see a counselor, not to straighten him out, but to give him suggestions for his future. Instead of eliminating college, perhaps he would consider postponing it, spending the year after graduation working, traveling or joining AmeriCorps and doing volunteer work. At some point, Jed must sink or swim on his own. We hope that the work ethic you instilled in him will be enough.

Dear Annie: When traveling on a long flight recently, I had some problems with the person behind me when I reclined my seat. Since I paid for my seat and it is designed to be reclined, I feel I have the right to put it in that position.

It was a 12-hour flight, and each time I put the seat down, the person behind me would push it forward. I asked her to quit, but she didn’t stop. I’ve had many people in front of me recline their seats, and it doesn’t bother me at all. What should I have done? — Puzzled in California

Dear Puzzled: The problem is that many airline seats can recline, but there is not always sufficient space to do so. The woman behind you paid for her seat, too, and you can bet that the airfare didn’t include your head in her laptop. Passengers need to be considerate of one another. If you must recline your chair, do so just a bit. If the person behind still insists on pushing your seat, notify the flight attendant.