Let overweight friend make her own life choices

Dear Annie: I am married, and my best friend is in her early 40s. “Brenda” is very short (just over 5 feet) and severely overweight. Recently she has been quite depressed because she would like to have a special man in her life, which she deserves because she is a wonderful, caring person.

We hang out in the same circles, so I cannot introduce her to anyone we both don’t already know. Brenda recently had the courage to ask a couple of male friends out on a date. While I applaud her for this, the problem is these men are very attractive and obviously work out regularly at the gym. They both declined Brenda’s invitation for various reasons, but I suspect it is because of her physical appearance.

Brenda has an unrealistic self-image, and I’m sure her Prince Charming will look nothing like the ones in the movies. I feel terribly awkward discussing this with her, but how can I get her to understand she needs to look for someone who is less attractive physically? — Speechless

Dear Speechless: It’s quite possible Brenda asked these particular men because they are friends, not because of their looks. And while a lot of guys (and gals) pay too much attention to the packaging, there are plenty of people who care more about what’s inside.

Say nothing to Brenda about her choices. You can encourage her to get into a diet and exercise program that will make her feel better and healthier, but don’t offer any additional opinions unless asked.

Dear Annie: I would like to add an additional comment to your advice to “Had Enough,” the man who wanted to write a vitriolic letter to his abusive and manipulative parents. I had similar feelings toward my ex-husband.

I found it extremely helpful to my own “letting-go” process to write that letter, expressing fully and in detail how I feel and why, but NOT to send it. When the first letter wasn’t cathartic enough, I put it away to later reread and add to. Once I felt that I had relieved my anger, I made a point of tearing up the letter into tiny pieces and burning them in order to release the anger and let it dissipate. I then found I could separate myself from the person who caused the anger and hurt, and move on without hate and bitterness.

Now, when I look back and think about the whole emotional embroilment, I can be objective about the need for separation. — Ex-Wife on the West Coast

Dear Ex-Wife: You found a useful way to rid yourself of the anger that otherwise could have consumed your life. It reminds us of the Ann Landers saying, “Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored, as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.”

Dear Annie: My husband’s aunts seem to think it is perfectly acceptable to have what they call “a shower in a box” instead of having an actual bridal shower. They send out invitations saying the bride is too busy to have a shower and to please send a gift. The gifts will be presented to her in a large box at her wedding.

The first two times I received this type of invitation, I threw it away without a second thought. We just received a third invitation, and I wanted to make sure.

Am I correct in thinking that there needs to be an actual shower in order to expect presents? — Annoyed in Nebraska

Dear Annoyed: The only time it is acceptable to have a shower “in absentia” is if the bride lives too far away to attend. “Too busy” just doesn’t cut it.