Sleeping together for the restless
Today’s topic is “sleeping together.”
No, no, no. Not that kind of sleeping together. I don’t want to get all “Fox prime time” on you.
I mean the actual sleeping kind of sleeping together. In fact, for clarification’s sake, let’s not use that phrase at all. Let’s use the phrase “fighting over the covers together.”
Here are some of the major questions that can come up among persons who share their nonwaking hours.
Q. My lovely spouse habitually encroaches on my half of the bed, forcing me to scrunch all the way over to my edge. Sometimes, in fact, I fall right out. How can I gracefully reclaim my half?
A. Gently whisper in her ear, “Honey, could you possibly scoot sideways a tad? I’d appreciate it ever so much.”
Q. I tried that. She hissed at me. Any other ideas?
A. Take a Sharpie permanent marker and very carefully draw a line down the exact center of the sheet. Next time she crosses this line of demarcation, gently shake her awake, show her which parts of her are in violation (arm, feet, shoulder) and then inform her that she must remove said parts from your territory.
Q. I tried that. She divorced me. Any suggestions with my new wife?
A. To prevent injury when you fall out, place a soft cushion on the floor next to your side of the bed.
Q. My husband snores. In fact, he snores like an industrial air compressor, a steam-powered pile driver and a defective sump pump. What can I do about it?
A. Many people have found that Breathe-Rite nasal strips, the kind athletes wear, open up the nasal passages and prevent snoring.
Q. I tried that. I couldn’t hold him down long enough to put one on. Any other ideas?
A. Ask him to roll over. That often helps.
Q. I tried that. It only changes the pitch of the snore, from Hell’s Angels chopper to gas-powered leaf-blower. Any other solutions?
A. Many people find that, with practice, they can sleep wearing aircraft-carrier ear-muffs.
Q. My husband likes to sleep with the cat practically under the covers. I say this is unsanitary. Am I right?
A. You are wrong. Cats are very clean creatures. You should, however, have your husband defleaed once every three months.
Q. My husband and I have different metabolisms and like to sleep at different temperatures. I like it cool, and he likes it warm. What can we do?
A. Get one of those electric blankets with different controls for both sides.
Q. We don’t like electric blankets. What else?
A. Move to different hemispheres.
Q. My wife has “hot flashes” and throws off all of the covers in the middle of the night. Meanwhile, I wake up freezing. What to do?
A. Snuggle up to her. A woman having hot flashes has been known to register 145 degrees Fahrenheit. Think of her as a human hot water bottle. Beware of scorching injuries.
Q. I have habitually cold feet which I like to warm up by placing them on my husband’s calves. He gets all grouchy and complains. What should I do?
A. Scrunch around and put your feet on his stomach. He’ll beg you to put them back on his calves.
Q. When we visit relatives, we often have to sleep in an old, soft bed. No matter how hard we resist it, we roll toward the middle. Any suggestions?
A. Bungee cords can help hold you in place. Crampons and mountain-bivouac webbing can help you to climb out of bed in the morning. Otherwise, try not to make any sudden moves in the night. Otherwise, your spouse may end up in the emergency room.
Q. My husband lets the dog sleep right on the bed between us. He says it’s cute. I say it’s strange. Am I right?
A. No. In fact, a dog works better than a Sharpie permanent marker.
Q. My husband and I love each other dearly, but we are contemplating separate bedrooms just for the sake of a good night’s sleep. What do you think of this idea?
A. Tough call. On the one hand, you’ll never again have to put up with snoring, blanket-snatching and territorial incursions. On the other hand, you’ll lead a cold, lonely existence devoid of human contact.
Stay in the same bed. You can always shove each other onto the floor if necessary.