Putting miles between you is good start

Dear Annie: I have a problem with my mother. She is a royal pain in the rear.

I no longer live in the same state as my parents, so my mother has decided to pretend I no longer exist. She says I live too far away to visit, so she isn’t interested in having a relationship with me. Also, she doesn’t like my wife and has said that she will not associate with me or my children unless I get a divorce and move back to my home state.

Mom recently had her second heart attack, and I found out by accident. She didn’t want me to know. She has exhibited this same manipulative behavior with my siblings at various times. Mom is extremely controlling and expects people to do as she says or she won’t speak to them. She makes Tony Soprano’s mother look like a saint. How do I deal with her? — Rejected Son in Oregon

Dear Son: Moving away was a good start. You cannot please your mother and be happy at the same time, so stop trying. If your mother ignores you because you have decided to live a contented and normal life, that is her choice.

Call her now and then to see how she’s doing, or get word through a sibling. Send her a card on her birthday and flowers on Mother’s Day if you wish to stay in touch, but understand that you have done nothing wrong. Perhaps, over time, she will realize you cannot be manipulated and will miss you enough to mellow a bit. Let’s hope so.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Dismayed in Illinois,” who said she attended a wake where several people dropped their trousers and mooned the deceased. She was utterly appalled. I suspect she was talking about my family.

I was involved in a mooning for my brother-in-law, Tony, last November in a small community in Illinois. I was honored with the privilege of writing and performing the funeral ceremony for Tony, and was proud to be part of the mooning, honoring my brother-in-law and close friend.

I stood side by side with Tony and dropped my drawers on many an occasion to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, family gatherings, and, yes, funerals. This piece of group silliness serves to remind us not to take ourselves too seriously, even under the most serious of conditions, and has become somewhat of a family tradition for us. We know Tony sat up in heaven, drinking a beer, laughing with us as we celebrated his life. And he would have done the same for me if the situation had been reversed.

We can’t always bare our souls, but we can always bare our rear ends. I’m sorry that “Dismayed” has a problem with that and can’t appreciate what it means to us. Thanks for your understanding. — Remembering in Illinois

Dear Illinois: As we said, if the family does not object, neither should anyone else. Your relationship with Tony sounds loving, and we know you must miss him a great deal. Our condolences.

Dear Annie: I have noticed in your column a couple of letters dealing with teen depression. While counseling and possibly medication are helpful suggestions, I would like to mention another.

As a soccer coach, youth group leader, school volunteer and parent, I know the value of good nutrition and exercise. A 10-minute walk can be as effective as a mild tranquilizer, and our spirits are lifted when we eat well and take care of our bodies. One final note, teen friends: Please help each other through tough emotional times and don’t hesitate to ask for help. — M.M., Bloomsburg, Pa.

Dear M.M.: Thank you for pointing out that eating well and exercising regularly help maintain mental as well as physical health. You are right — we don’t say it enough.