Let loose the dogs – and cats – of war

I‘ve told you before about the ongoing hostilities between our new dog and our long-suffering cat.

New documents have now surfaced which shed light onto our combatants’ innermost hopes and fears. It appears that each has been keeping a journal. These documents contain a wealth of insight about their profoundly different world views.

Here are some excerpts:

Dog: Wow! Neat! I think the cat is beginning to like me! Sometimes he lets me get close enough to almost lick him! That would be so fun! I’d love to lick him someday! I love to lick everything! Licking is so fun! I can’t figure out why cats don’t do it more often! I think they’re not very smart!

Cat: The Big Moron is falling for my plan. In the past few days, I’ve been letting him get closer and closer. Today he even started wagging that big, stupid pink tongue in my face. It’s about time to spring my trap. Next time he approaches, I’ll wait until that drooling muzzle is within range. Then I’ll rip his face off. Yeah. That’ll be fun.

Dog: Today my feelings got kind of hurt. I just wanted to play with the cat, maybe sniff him a little, maybe lick him a lot. Is that so wrong? But just when I thought we were friends, he … he attacked me. At least, I think he did. He lashed out with those nasty little claws and got me right in the muzzle. I have some red welts around my nose, but frankly, my emotions were even more bruised. I didn’t even want to play with him the rest of the day. But maybe he didn’t mean it. Maybe that’s how cats play. Yeah! Maybe I’ll try to play with him again tomorrow and he’ll be more fun! It’s worth a try!

Cat: Does this cretin never learn? I had to rip him several new nostrils again today. He’s like some kind of big slobbering stalker who doesn’t get it. What part of hissing and spitting doesn’t he understand?

Dog: That’s it. I’m going to find new games to play. I know when I’m not wanted. Anyway, who cares? I had the best time ever today! My Adored Masters (that’s what I call my owners) took me for a walk! We went all over the woods and I sniffed millions of things and got to pee on many different clumps of vegetation! Wow! I’ll bet that nasty cat is jealous! They never take him on walks! He’s probably so mad!

Cat: Today I was granted two precious hours of freedom from my long incarceration. The Big Dummies (that’s what I call my owners) took the dog for a walk. When they snapped that leash on him, he jumped around like a demented creature. I just sat on the windowsill, watching quietly, but his glee was nothing compared to mine. I knew the tail-wagging fool would be out of my hair for a while. Maybe he would even get run over by a car. Yeah. That would have been nice. No such luck. Now he’s back, running around the house, acting stupider than ever.

Dog: Wow! I’ve found the coolest new thing! There are these stuffed animals in this basket in the bedroom, and I can take the little animals out, and carry them around the house, and put some of them in the living room, and put some of them in the kitchen and some of them in the family room! Then I can pick up the ones in the family room and carry them into the living room! It’s so fun! And these animals are nice to me, not like that awful cat! Oh! Oh! Wait! Wait! I just had an idea! I’m going to carry the ones in the kitchen into the family room! Oh, is that ever going to be fun! I’m going to try it right now!

Cat: What an indescribable idiot. I’m sitting here on the counter, watching this ridiculous display. The Dim Bulb is prancing around the house with stuffed animals in his face. He’ll drop one in the living room and then stare at it for a second, like he can’t remember how it got there. With his attention span, he probably can’t. Then he’ll carry it back into the family room. But the most appalling thing is that the Big Dummies think it’s “cute.” They laugh and clap and coo over him like he’s just learned Chopin’s Etudes. Hello? He’s carrying a stuffed monkey in his big drooling mouth. Big deal. I’ll tell you what might be worth cooing over: If he’d learn to carry them back into the basket they came from. Otherwise, he’s just littering.

Dog: A breakthrough! We were out in the back yard today and the cat was crossing the lawn and I chased him and he went up a tree and it was the most fun thing ever! I can’t believe I once thought the cat was mean! He loves playing chase! I think I speak for both of us when I say we are a great team together!

Cat: The dog ambushed me today. Completely unprovoked. An act of unwarranted aggression. Had to go up a tree for 39 minutes, not that I’m counting. I was forced to hiss at a squirrel. If that’s how the dog wants it, OK. I’m on the couch now, trying to recover, and that big wet tongue is coming toward me again. Fine. Bring it on. I hope the Big Moron enjoyed having a tongue.