No talent? On ‘Superstar USA,’ no problem
Seeking untalented, slightly tone-deaf and fairly mad performers to entertain America on a new weekly reality show. Professional training and dance skills unnecessary. Ability to dance like a white guy actually considered a plus. Grab your air guitar and hairbrush microphone, and dust off the old break dancing moves because America wants you to compete in the “The WB’s Superstar USA” competition.
The seven-episode “Superstar USA” (Mondays and Tuesdays, WB) is a hilarious spoof on the famed “American Idol” and includes a panel of three sarcastic and sometimes cruel judges to preside over the would-be untalented stars. Panel includes singer Vitamin C, TV producer Chris Briggs and “Mr. Funky Cold Medina” himself, rapper Tone Loc. They will try to dupe the contestants by bolstering the egos of the desperately bad singers and shaming the ones with actual talent. Example of the judges’ comments after a rather decent performance:
Judge: “Knock, knock.”
Contestant: “Who’s there?”
Judge: “You suck.”
That’s tough love at its finest. I wonder how well I’d do in this competition. My mom always said I had a beautiful singing voice – but it strikes me as odd that she would ask me to practice singing in the basement with the door closed.
On the real “American Idol” (Tuesday and Wednesday, Fox), where talent is held in higher regard (or so they say), Wednesday was the final sing-off between Diana DeGarmo and Fantasia Barrino, with Barrino taking home the title.
Now, I might receive scathing emails from both of those ladies, their families and their local Krispy Kreme representatives for saying this, but neither Diana nor Fantasia is going to be the next best thing in music. In fact, I think they will both fail miserably.
They both have average voices and lack star quality. That’s it, plain and simple. And the show’s finale could not come soon enough for this reality TV critic. Perhaps next season’s installment will include some higher caliber performances, and the contestants will aspire to be the next Bruce Springsteen or Mariah Carey instead of a one-hit-wonder. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!
Before I go, I wanted to say: “Congratulations on not being chosen” to Tara from “The Bachelor” (Wednesday, ABC). Jesse Palmer gave the final rose to Jessica, 22, a law student from California and in a typically cheesy and manufactured television moment he told her that he was in love with her and wanted to wake up next to her for the rest of his life.
Which sounded lovely, and completely heartfelt … even though he had spent the evening before snuggled up to Tara. Kudos to Tara for standing up for herself and calling him out on his “inappropriate behavior,” and walking away with her head held high … even if she was doing that to keep from puking.