Plot twist intensifies ‘Identity Theft’

Who says you can’t learn stuff on TV? “Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story” (9 p.m., Lifetime) tells us repeatedly that identity theft is America’s fastest-growing crime. Somebody’s financial records and credit history are swiped by complete strangers every six seconds.

But rather than dwell on dull statistics, anonymous cyber-thieves and organized criminals, “Theft” turns Brown’s true story into a Nice Good Girl vs. Sick Bad Girl tale straight out of “All About Eve” and “Fatal Attraction.”

Kimberly Williams-Paisley plays Brown with the spunky sweetness we’ve learned to expect from her in such films as “Father of the Bride.” She’s a grade-school teacher with sparkling blue eyes.

Children gather around the hem of her dress as she walks into class. One half expects deer, bunnies, the Seven Dwarves and other forest creatures to twitter in harmony as she breaks into songs from “Snow White.”

Brown’s problems begin when she finds her dream house and applies for a mortgage. Her broker’s drug-addled, debt-ridden secretary, Connie (Annabella Sciorra, “The Sopranos”), gets Michelle’s credit card number and lets her fingers do the walking. Not content with Home Shopping Network trinkets, Connie goes on a buying binge – and goes bonkers to boot.

“Theft” does a good job of re-creating the waking nightmare of dealing with credit card companies and other agencies after you discover you’ve been robbed. But since no director has yet invented a way to turn time spent at the Department of Motor Vehicles into riveting drama, “Theft” takes a left turn into psychological-thriller territory.

Connie doesn’t just want money and things. She wants to “become” Michelle because she thinks her victim has such a perfect life.

With Election Day 2004 only hours away, “Frontline” offers another look at “The Choice” (9 p.m., KSPS), a two-hour character study of President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.

“Saturday Night Live Presidential Bash 2004” (10 p.m., NBC) offers sendups of Bush (Will Forte), Kerry (Seth Meyers) and Vice President Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond), as well as repeats of political spoofs and parodies of speeches by Presidents Ford (Chevy Chase), Carter (Dan Aykroyd), Reagan (Phil Hartman), Bush I (Dana Carvey) and Clinton (Hartman and Hammond).

You know the election season has run its course when Animal Planet gets into the act. “Animal Icons: Political Animals” (5 and 8 p.m., Animal Planet) examines the symbolism behind donkeys and elephants and other partisan critters and national symbols dating back to the Roman era. Why, after all, is Russia associated with the bear, Britain with the lion, France with the rooster and Canada with the beaver?

This special was announced before the Bush campaign ran its “wolf” ad campaign. Who approved this message? Didn’t it occur to someone that by presenting images of predatory wolves, the campaign seemed to be equating voters with frightened sheep?

Other highlights

Parallel lives on “Trading Spouses” (8 p.m., Fox).

Tips from the producers of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” (10 p.m., ABC).

A peculiar facial tic puts Robert under scrutiny on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS).

The Black Eyed Peas guest star on “Las Vegas” (9 p.m., NBC).

The Jets host the Dolphins on “Monday Night Football” (6 p.m., ABC).

Surgical mutilation for the insecure on “The Swan” (9 p.m., Fox).

Death claims a member of Horatio’s squad on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS).

Slovenly comedians get housekeeping tips on “How Clean Is Your House?” (11 p.m., Lifetime).

Cult choice

A lovelorn puppeteer (John Cusack) finds a mystical portal to a famous actor’s brain in the 1999 comedy “Being John Malkovich” (7 p.m., Comedy Central).

Series notes

Zoning issues on “Still Standing” (8 p.m., CBS,) … Joe Rogan hosts “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) … Teenage runaways on “One on One” (8 p.m., UPN) … Simon’s dorm drama on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB).

Megan plays fashion police on “Listen Up” (8:30 p.m., CBS) … Rupert Boneham (“Survivor”) guest stars on “Half & Half” (8:30 p.m., UPN).

Omarosa Stallworth (“The Apprentice”) guest stars on “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) … Medical procedures and heart-to-heart chats on “Everwood” (9 p.m., WB) … Intimations of mortality on “Two and a Half Men” (9:30 p.m., CBS) … Photogenic lovers reconnect on “Second Time Around” (9:30 p.m., UPN).