Before leaving him, please try Nar-Anon
Dear Annie: I have been with my husband, “Rex,” for five years. I love him very much, and he can be a great husband and stepfather. He works, provides for us and helps with all of the household and parental duties.
The problem? Rex is a drug addict. He doesn’t binge often, but it’s enough to disrupt the family, sometimes to the point where I want to walk away and never look back. I believe a wife should stand by her husband, and I want to do all I can to help him deal with his 20-year addiction. However, I wasn’t aware of his problem before we married, and my son must be my first priority.
My son adores his stepfather, but I wonder if staying is doing more harm than good for my child. Rex and I have tried rehab, Narcotics Anonymous, counseling, church activities, quitting cold turkey and even relocating so he is not near his old drug contacts. But he always goes back after a short period. What should I do? – Drug Addict’s Wife
Dear Addict’s Wife: Yes, your son must come first, and if Rex is unable to control his drug habit, you may have no choice but to leave him. Have you tried Nar-Anon, a support group for spouses and families of drug addicts? If not, please give it a chance before walking out the door. The toll-free number is (800) 477-6291, and the Web site is www.nar-anon.org.
Dear Annie: My husband, “Trey,” and I have been married 32 years. We have a large home, and on several occasions, Trey has spontaneously invited people to spend the night without consulting me first. When the guests arrive, he informs me, in their presence, that he’s asked them to stay over. One time, he invited 20 people to our family vacation home and told them I would serve all the meals for the weekend.
Annie, I am far from the hostess with the mostest. I do not have cleaning help and work full time in the business that my husband and I own. We also have pets. Need I say more? My home is not presentable without considerable work ahead of time. Nor do I have a freezer or pantry ready to serve meals to unexpected company.
I have told Trey to stop inviting people without consulting me first, but he cannot understand my position. He’s even become angry that the house isn’t ready for entertaining at a moment’s notice.
The last time he pulled this stunt on me, I was ill from the stress for three days. How can I get him to stop? – Imposed on in Boston
Dear Boston: Since Trey isn’t likely to back down, here are two solutions:
You can greet these guests, saying, “How nice to see you. I’m sorry I have plans and won’t return until tomorrow, but I’m sure Trey will be happy to entertain you.” Then go out the door and stay at a hotel. If that’s too drastic, have a list of caterers, carry-out places and maid services on hand, and call them as soon as Trey brings company home. Maybe after he pays a few of the bills, he’ll cease and desist.
Dear Annie: I am a concerned father. My ex-wife allows our 5-year-old son to go hunting with her 73-year-old stepfather. I am very much against this and have expressed my wishes on several occasions, but in each case, I am ignored. My ex-wife and I have joint legal and physical custody. Please help. – Mac
Dear Mac: Are you concerned that your son is around guns, or that your wife’s stepfather is not capable of the necessary supervision and safety precautions? If the latter, talk to your attorney about bringing the matter before a judge. If the former, you can discuss it with your attorney, but there may not be much you can do. Talk to your son about gun safety, make certain your ex-wife understands the dangers, and ask her to care enough to check that her stepfather is responsible and cautious.