Americans are taking games too seriously

In the 1975 film “Rollerball,” the corporate world state of some futuristic society controls the bloodlust of its sterile populace through the brutal, sporting violence of a game. Being publicly educated and stuff, I never fully understood this.

In 2004 Sports America, we are a nation of jerks. Being a sporting American and stuff, I’ve always understood this.

Here are some of the lasting images from the Pacers-Pistons NBA riot that erupted in Auburn Hills, Mich., Friday night:

Ron Artest, lying on the scorer’s table, was hit in the face by a cup of beer.

Jermaine O’Neal was hit in the face by a box of popcorn.

Referee Tommy Nunez was hit in the head by a plastic bottle.

Artest, O’Neal and Stephen Jackson each cold-cocked fans with haymaker punches.

Jamaal Tinsley came out of the locker room with a dustpan – yes, a dustpan – and appeared ready to use it as a weapon.

Indiana players were pelted with items by fans on their way to the locker room.

Children were crying in the stands, an older woman was on her back on the arena floor.

(Incidentally, I thought the Pacers really controlled the tempo of the game before it was halted.)

We are at a crossroads – then again, this nation is always at a crossroads, usually an overbuilt intersection with two gas stations, a 7-Eleven and a McDonald’s – in terms of how we treat each other, on and off the playing fields.

Howard Cosell once said, “Sports is a microcosm of life.” Lately, it not only is a microcosm of life, it’s larger than life. Either way, we’re going to hell in a handbasket sponsored by Coors Light.

(Column intermission I: My Team of Destiny, the Arizona Cardinals, has teetered at 4-6, and a flood of e-mail has taunted me. So be it. I’m sticking with my guys. That’s another problem in this country these days – nobody stands for anything anymore. Speaking of which, why couldn’t Dennis Green stick with my man Josh McCown? Shaun King? Shaun King? You don’t go to Shaun King unless you’re on a desert island and you’re out of matchsticks.)

(Column intermission II: Presumptive Heisman winner Timmy Chang – now with a record 15,845 career passing yards – completed 23 of 31 for 376 yards in Hawaii’s 52-21 victory over Idaho. In the first half alone, he threw for five touchdowns, even though at times Idaho appeared to have 12 or 13 defenders on the field. Heck, I believe Timmy Chang could throw a touchdown pass from a dentist’s chair.)

People point to the disconnect between fans and athletes. That’s not the core of the problem. It’s a deterioration of civilized thought and behavior, and it’s played out daily in more than just sporting arenas.

I mean, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a lot of anger out there.

So you have people cutting each other off on the highway and parents fighting each other at youth soccer games and voters screaming at each other at polling booths.

And while sports fans today aren’t necessarily more belligerent than they were generations ago, the means of belligerence – talk radio and the Internet – have become more pervasive.

Do we need beefed-up security at arenas? Perhaps. Do we need to restrict alcohol sales at games? Perhaps. Do we need to educate athletes on how to respond to fan abuse? Perhaps. But what we really need is a massive re-socialization. What we need is to reassess a culture that props up athletic feats excessively. What we need is to redirect our energies to healthier pursuits.

(Yes, Couch Slouch’s Xanax prescription ran out several weeks ago.)

I’ve had a simple solution for years, for which I’m usually shouted down:

We’ve got to stop taking these games so seriously.

We could use a little more Abbott and Costello and a little less Mike and the Mad Dog.

By the way, go rent “Rollerball” – James Caan is on fire in that baby.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I will be graduating from college soon and am wondering about a possible internship. I would like to improve my skills in: sleeping until noon, drinking straight from the carton and being check-raised on the river. Have I come to the right place? (Paul Cole; Gainesville, Fla.)

A. Congratulations on the internship. See you next Wednesday bright and early at 2:15 or so.

Q. Is Michael Irvin actually working for ESPN doing football commentary, or am I having recurring Sunday morning nightmares? (Ryan Barndt; Quakertown, Pa.)

A. Actually, if you just wake up an hour later, the nightmares should go away.

Q. Now that the World Series of Poker is over, what do you do the rest of the year? (Gary Randolph; Sterling, Va.)

A. Hang with Mel Kiper Jr.

Q. With all the attention regarding Terrell Owens’ end-zone antics, I was wondering if any of your ex-wives have been penalized by the judge for excessive celebration after your divorces were finalized? (Rob Phillips; Reston, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.