Lid lifter is flush with embarrassment

I have long been aware that leaving the toilet seat up is considered an etiquette faux pas by a certain, and very vocal, segment of society.

However, in my male arrogance, I never considered it a particularly heinous crime. I thought it was ridiculous to make a big fuss over it.

I figured that if men were expected to lift the toilet seat whenever they wanted to do their business, then women could just as easily lower it when they wanted to do theirs. I considered this nothing more than gender equality, demonstrating my lack of condescension and paternalism to those of the sitting-on-the-toilet-seat persuasion.

I have skated through 51 years of life with what I regarded as this highly principled — and, might I say, highly lazy — attitude.

And then, last week, all of my thoughtlessness finally caught up with me.

I nearly killed my own mother.

Let me tell you the entire horrifying story. I was in Colorado taking care of my 82-year-old mom, who had just had open-heart surgery.

Now, at the time of this incident, she had been home from the hospital only about two days. She was recovering nicely (as she continues to do), but there are certain things she had to be careful about. She couldn’t lift anything heavier than a few pounds and couldn’t do anything that would cause unnecessary strain on the sutures.

So, that morning, I was in the kitchen making breakfast when she toddled in and said a cheerful, “Good morning!”

Here’s how the ensuing conversation went:

Me: Good morning to you. Did you sleep well?

Mom: Oh, yes, just fine.

Me: Feeling strong this morning?

Mom: Yes. Say, it was funny, but I forgot to turn the night light on in the bathroom last night.

Me: Oh, yeah?

Mom: So I went in to the bathroom in the middle of the night and it was pitch dark in there.

Me: Why didn’t you just turn the light?

Mom: Well, I didn’t want to bother you. Anyway, I felt for the toilet and went to sit on it and … I almost fell in!

Me: (alarmed) What? Are you OK?

Mom: (laughing) Oh, yes, I caught myself just in time. I’m fine.

Me: (relieved) That’s good, because you could have …

Mom: It was because you left the toilet seat up.

Me: What?

Mom: You must have left the toilet seat up.

Me: Oh. (Sick feeling develops in pit of stomach). I’m so sorry. That was stupid.

Mom: (cheerfully) Don’t worry. I’m fine.

Subsequent inquiries determined that she really was fine, thank goodness. Yet I spent the rest of the day imagining what could have been:

HIGHLANDS RANCH, Colo. – An 82-year-old heart patient burst her sutures Tuesday when her thoughtless son left the toilet seat up in the bedroom of her condo.

She is in stable condition at Porter Memorial Hospital. Doctors said that her chances for recovery are good as long as nobody pulls another careless toilet stunt during the next critical 72 hours.

Police are considering whether to press charges against the son, although they say that the jurisdiction lacks any statutes for aggravated toilet negligence.

“To do that to your own mother, there ought to be a law,” said the police chief, shaking his head. “I think she raised him better than that.”

The son, when contacted by reporters, said only: “I guess I forgot. Sometimes I do that. Never thought it was such a big deal.”

Well, I can only be thankful that it never came to that. No harm was done.

Need I add that, since the incident, I have made a silent vow to always put the toilet seat down as a matter not just of principle, but of medical safety. To paraphrase Tolkien, I am determined to become a Lowerer of the Rings.

However, the habits of 51 years are hard to break. In fact, I am going to go check the house right now to make sure I lowered the toilet seats properly.

Oh, hell. I must have done it again. Excuse me a moment while I check on someone.

Carol? Dear? Are you OK?