Sticker shock

George W. Bush is a spoiled rich kid who was silver-spooned into the Texas Air National Guard so he could avoid serving in Vietnam.

John F. Kerry is a traitor who lied about his war experiences and didn’t deserve all the medals he won in Vietnam.

Ah, for those simpler times: when if you were for Tippecanoe, you were for Tyler, too; when you either did or didn’t “Like Ike”; when the retort to “Nixon’s the One” was the burning question, “The One What?”

It’s easy to believe that the 2004 presidential election is the lowdown, dirtiest, most dishonest and disingenuous in American history, mainly because it sure seems that way.

But the truth is, presidential campaigns always have traveled a lot more dirt roads than highways.

In the election of 1800, Alexander Hamilton called Thomas Jefferson’s opponent, John Adams, a “bastard” and a “man devoid of every moral principle,” an accusation that makes “flip-flopper” look kind of mild by comparison.

And if you think Fox News plays favorites, the Connecticut Courant warned that if Jefferson were elected, “Murder, robbery, rape, adultery and incest will all be openly taught and practiced.”

In the election of 1828, the campaign of Andrew Jackson nicknamed John Quincy Adams “The Pimp,” alleging he had once hooked up a young woman with a Russian nobleman. In response, the Adams people called Jackson’s momma a “common prostitute.”

One of the reasons things seem worse now is that there are so many outlets for the slime and grime.

Cable television leads the way, of course, but the Internet is not far behind. Besides affording people a means of expressing their opinions in chat rooms and blogs, the Internet also serves as a cyber storefront for all manner of campaign regalia: pins, T-shirts, license-plate holders, hats, mugs, buttons, posters, stamps, ties, Frisbees, thongs and, of course, the ubiquitous bumper sticker.

Reviewing this election year’s crop of bumper stickers is to conclude that, while they may have been nastier in campaigns past, they were definitely nowhere near as creative – particularly in a negative sense.

Here is a sampling of anti-Bush, anti-Kerry and ideological bumper stickers:

Pro-Bush

“Don’t Be a Girlyman; Vote Bush

“Ten Out of Ten Terrorists Agree: Anybody But Bush

“Al-Qaida Supports Kerry

“I Am Voting for John Kerry After I Vote Against Him

“Flush the Johns

“Dubya Re-loaded

“Vote for Bush or Die

“Bush Rules; Kerry Drools

“Bush-Cheney, Keep the Adults in Charge

“Bush-Cheney: Get Used to It

“Bush-Cheney, or Else

“Kerry is Scary

“Not Fonda Kerry

“If Kerry Is the Answer, It Must Have Been a Stupid Question

“Vietcong Vets for Kerry

“Real Men Don’t Use Botox

Pro-Kerry

“Visualize One Term

“I Voted for Bush in 2000. Sorry, My Bad

“George W. Bush: All Hat, No Cattle

“Bush-Cheney: Compassionate Colonialism

“Bush-Cheney: Leave No CEO Behind

“Bush-Cheney: Four More Wars

“Impeach President Cheney and His Little Dummy Too

“Groovy Chicks Against Bush

“Old Hippies Against Bush

“Vampire Slayers Against Bush

“Raving Lunatics for Bush

“George W. Bush: God Save the King

“Don’t Blame Me, I Voted With the Majority

“Bush: Like a Rock, Only Dumber

“Deserters Should Be in Jail, Not in the White House

“Bush-Cheney: Ruining America Is an 8-Year Job

Ideological

“Give “Em Zell”

“One Nation Under Surveillance

“Annoy the Media; Vote Against Bush

“Democrats Hard on Fetuses, Soft on Terrorists

“When Guns Are Outlawed, I’ll Be An Outlaw

“CNN: Communist News Network

“The Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Mongering

“It’s The Stem Cells, Stupid!

“Even on Drugs, Rush is Right

“Tolerance Is the Virtue of a Man Without Convictions

“We’re All Wearing the Blue Dress Now

“What Would Scooby – Do?

Best Nonpolitical Sticker

“No Justice. No Quiche. (Free Martha)