Building relationships one e-mail at a time

Not all e-mails are real – neither are the people who send them to us

The wonderful thing about the Internet is that you’re never alone. Just look at me. I get dozens of e-mails each day from complete strangers who want to get close to me. Many of them write every day, sometimes more than once.

Unfortunately, most are cases of mistaken identity. I’m not who they think I am.

For instance, there are those nice men named Juan Mortime, Dr. Love, Mr. Johnson, and Big Eddie who are under the impression that I am also a man and that I am suffering from low expectations, and a short fuse. They all want to send me pills – in bulk and deeply discounted – to alleviate both conditions.

And then there’s that poor Prince in Nigeria. He writes often to ask for my help in getting him and his money – which he keeps in an empty railroad car – out of the country. He asks only that I send my life’s savings to prove he can trust me.

There are so many others. The caring mortgage banker in North Dakota who is concerned that I may not have gotten the lowest rate from my local bank. He writes frequently to assure me that he is lower than anyone else I know, and that there is no limit to how low he will go to give me the business.

Occasionally I hear from a nice group of women who call themselves “The Bored Housewives.” Someone must have recommended me for membership because the housewives always want to send me photographs of their last meeting. I guess they haven’t heard that I’m working now.

There is the newsletter from a group of coeds called “College girls.” I don’t know if they want to help me find lost classmates or they’re just proud to be a group of women who enjoy each other’s company.

It’s nice of them to write now and then, but it breaks my heart to think that all these people haven’t managed to make the right connection. So I decided to take some action.

First, I e-mailed and suggested that the bored housewives contact the men selling prescription medication. Maybe if the housewives see their spirits rise as quickly as Dr. Love and friends say the pills are supposed to work, they won’t be so bored and won’t have to sit around all day taking pictures of one another. Maybe if they get professional help, they will have the energy to get up, (that’s exactly what the e-mail from Big Eddie promised would happen) get dressed and get out of the house.

Then I put the mortgage banker in Nebraska in touch with the Prince from Nigeria. The banker is so anxious to give away his money, he won’t mind helping the Prince move his boxcar to North Dakota.

And finally, I e-mailed to the friendly college girls and congratulated them on getting along so well. It’s nice to know that the stereotypical image of women being moody and sniping at one another is being challenged.

I did suggest that they apply themselves to their studies and perhaps spend a little less time on the computer. After all, it’s nice to be congenial, but if they want to someday be real working girls, or stimulated housewives for that matter, they’re going to want that college degree.

I know I can’t take care of all the people on the Internet who take a wrong turn. I’m only one woman.

But I’ll sleep better knowing I was able to help a few.