Program helps violent women

GREG ORLANDO SYMPATHIZED with the woman who punched her husband. The husband had baited her, prepared her to expect violence any moment, cruelly led her to the edge of her control.

She finally toppled and struck out to instigate the abuse she knew was coming. The ploy wasn’t new to Greg, who leads Kootenai County’s adult misdemeanor probation program. But he brushed past his sympathy.

“We still have to hold them accountable, even though we understand the dynamics involved,” he says. “We can’t reinforce violence to get a solution.”

The woman is one of 17 in Kootenai County on probation now for domestic violence, a crime typically associated with men. Those women join 155 men found guilty of the same violence. Awareness and changes in society are pushing up the numbers of women convicted of domestic violence, and those women don’t fit into the existing rehabilitation programs for men.

“Women are different creatures. We need a different approach,” Greg says. “I thank the Lord for Sue.”

Sue Manley Smith started a counseling program, Solutions, with counselor Toni Jones a year ago for female domestic violence offenders. Sue ran the OASIS program – Officers and Advocates Sharing Intervention Services – in Post Falls for victims of domestic violence for 10 years. She quit last year.

Toni counseled domestic violence victims and offenders for more than 25 years. The two counselors knew probation officers well and watched their consternation grow as more women offenders appeared in their offices.

“Women are standing up for themselves more and putting themselves in a position to be accused,” Sue says. “They also have different issues from men and you can’t put them together or use the same curriculum entirely.”

Interviews with female offenders showed Sue and Toni that nearly all were victims of violence in the home, either as children or as spouses or both. They struck out in reaction unlike men, who typically strike out to show power and control. Women interpreted their violence as self-defense or a way to show a man his aggressive behavior has to stop. Most learned the power of violence from their parents, boyfriends and spouses.

That information helped Sue and Toni create a 32-week program for about a dozen women at a time. They help the women see how similar their physical force was to the violence they’d experienced at the hands of men and what their children were learning from them.

“We talk about responsibility and victimization, what is family violence and the characteristics of batterers,” Sue says. “We also talk a lot about healthy relationships, boundaries, communication and cooperation. Women have to realize they’re not alone.”

Lori, 38, was one of the first six women in Solutions. She chooses not to use her last name because she’s graduated from the program, is working and in a new relationship. She grew up with violence. Her mother’s boyfriend beat her, then she was in two violent marriages. Before she left her last husband, she broke his nose and aimed a loaded rifle at him.

She ended up in Solutions early this year after she slammed a door on her partner’s arm. Lori still insists she was trying to defend herself, but Solutions helped her understand that she could have avoided the situation.

“You’re there to accept what you did,” she says. “I learned about domestic violence, and what to do to improve a relationship. I have the right to say no, to leave the house and get away from a situation and cool down.”

She started the program resentfully until she saw sense in what Sue and Toni said.

“We all live in a fishbowl and we don’t see the mess until we’re out of it,” Lori says.

She knew Solutions had done its job when she learned her partner’s son had been molested by a man she knew.

“If it wasn’t for Solutions, I would have beaten up this 300-pound man, but instead I called the police,” Lori says. “And I went to classes and vented. Solutions has a secret potion between Sue’s and Toni’s book knowledge and school knowledge and we people in the class with firsthand knowledge of actual abuse.”

Most women Sue and Toni see are referred or sentenced to their program.

“Ninety-nine percent don’t want to go, and find some excuse to miss the first meeting,” Greg says. His office regularly refers women to the program. “After the second or third meeting, they’re so thankful they’re in the group.”

The group connects them with other women with similar experiences. It’s a relief for most to learn they’re not alone. Group discussions help women identify underlying issues that led to violence.

“These are folks with problems and they need help,” Greg says. “They need to take responsibility. Accountability is good therapy. Once it gets started, healing can take place.”

In their first year, Sue and Toni have counseled about 30 women. In their second year, they plan to expand Solutions to 52 weeks and help law enforcement and the judicial community understand how to address the problem of domestically violent women.

“It’s a tough call for law enforcement on who’s the primary aggressor,” Sue says. “Some women have been arrested in questionable circumstances. It’s a controversial subject.”

Greg admits it jolted him when women began coming to him on probation for physically attacking someone in their family. He talks to offenders and victims to sort out what happened and often finds himself on thin ice.

“Most men don’t want to admit they’ve been hit by a woman. But there are those men who push buttons until the woman hits them,” he says. “When women are held improperly accountable, they learn to distrust the system.”

On Oct. 7, Sue and Toni will offer a workshop for people who encounter women domestic violence offenders at work or in personal circumstances. The daylong program will offer a panel of law enforcement/judicial workers who will share their experiences with women offenders and a panel of offenders who are in the “Women Who Use Violence” program.

Participants will discuss the issues that lead to female domestic violence, how to treat women offenders and how the judicial system needs to adapt.

“Sue connects with the women she counsels,” Greg says. “She has a strong passion for fighting domestic violence on all levels. We need that.”