Spouse on path to destructive end if he keeps going

Dear Annie: I have been married to “Adam” for four years. He is on Social Security disability. The problem is, I don’t believe he is disabled. For the past three years, Adam has been working for his brother-in-law, getting paid under the table.

Adam is not the person I thought he was. I find myself questioning his honesty and character. Frankly, I am disappointed in him. But I still love him, Annie, and I am afraid he will get into terrible trouble with the government. How can I fix this? — Marriage Pending in Roanoke, Va.

Dear Marriage Pending: You can’t “fix” it without Adam’s help, unless you are willing to report him, which we doubt. First, Adam may be entitled to the disability payments, so don’t jump to conclusions. However, working for his brother-in-law without paying taxes is a more serious matter.

Does Adam realize you have lost respect for him? He is undermining your marriage, and if he values your life together, he will straighten up and fly right.

Dear Annie: This is for “Restless in St. Louis,” the 46-year-old guy who has been married to a “great wife” for 22 years and has three kids. He misses his freedom, wants out of his marriage and asked for input from other men in similar situations.

I thought I wanted my freedom back, too. Then my wife died in a car wreck. Yep, now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, but it’s indescribably empty and lonely. Leaving would be a huge mistake, I guarantee. I’d give anything to have my darling by my side once again. — All By Myself

Dear All By Myself: We heard from plenty of men on this one (and a few women, too), and most agree that “Restless” should do whatever possible to salvage his marriage and find excitement in other areas. Read on:

From Out West: He’s bored? His children are at the ages where they crave new experiences. He should find out what they like and make it happen. If the kids imitate his current attitude, they may not find their passions in life, and Dad will be responsible. My advice? Build something! Put in a new sprinkler system! Go to a rock concert! You have opportunities for excitement right in front of you.

Hawaii: I’m 41, a father of three, and separated from my wife. Today’s fathers are under a lot of pressure. We have to be caring, understanding, patient, sensitive and good financial providers. Still, I guarantee his children will not understand how he can say he loves them, yet leave them at the same time.

Florida: I wrestled with denial, guilt and depression before concluding that I must leave my marriage to survive. I waited until I was 54 and our kids were out on their own. I would advise “Restless” to wait for his kids to grow up, and then, by all means, go and never look back. I am now in my 70s and have never been happier.

Monmouth, Maine: A lot of women also feel like “Restless.” I have two words of advice: separate vacations. My dog and I took a weeklong trip to the mountains. Then, my husband took a trip to his family’s vacation cottage. This gave each of us two weeks alone to live as we wished without consulting the other. The freedom was wonderful, and it gave us something to talk about when we were together again.

Kansas: I left my wife and family to live on my own. Now, I have an ex-wife married to a terrific man who appreciates her, and children and grandchildren who share their lives. I gave them our home, insurance and plenty of cash, but so what? Our children made it clear that it was my decision to abandon them, that I was selfish and unloving, and that they deserved a father who adored that great woman. I will die alone, knowing they are right and I was so miserably wrong.