Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

First date do’s and disasters



 (The Spokesman-Review)
John Boudreau Knight Ridder

Online, he was all wit and charm. There were instant keyboard sparks.

“He said everything right,” recalls Julie Crabill, a 27-year-old high-tech public relations professional. “I kept thinking, ‘This is The Guy.’ “

In person, though, he was all geek. “He was like a blank piece of paper,” she says. “He was boring.”

He could have just been having a bad day. But in today’s work- crazed world, where social attention spans seem to get shorter and shorter, those looking for love need to remember the fundamentals of first dates. A bad first impression often leads to the last impression. A bungled first date can mean no second date.

“First dates are really, really important,” says Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and a relationships expert for PerfectMatch.com. “Why should somebody who doesn’t know you give you a second, third and fourth chance? They don’t want to be bothered.”

Closing the deal often requires more than chemistry, says Fran Compagno, a Palo Alto, Calif., dating coach (www.thefranplan. com).

“You have to understand that you are walking a tightrope,” she says.

What would help a lot is feedback, which is easy enough to get at work. But all too often single people are without resources when it comes to evaluations of their dating performances.

Instead, “they get silence,” Schwartz says. “But we all have our quirks. The person who looks at their watch may never have been told by anybody that they are doing it. No one has told them this is very annoying.”

A little preparation for an initial encounter can go a long way.

It begins with your looks.

First appearances matter, no matter how wonderful you think you are. Sometimes men forget this. But there’s no way around it: Dirty socks, bad breath, ear and nose hairs almost always guarantee that Date No. 1 won’t turn into Date No. 2.

“Her sexual attraction will take a nose dive,” Compagno says. “Once she is not attracted to you, you are history.”

Guys, that means becoming the dreaded “just friends.”

On the other hand, women talking about lifelong commitment – and babies – before a guy can even get to first base may prompt men to head to the showers early – and never call again.

“A lot of guys get freaked out,” observed Mary Chan, an executive who asked that she be identified by her middle and last name so she could talk candidly without offending past dates.

Other road bumps to romance are a bit more subtle. Compagno, for instance, advises against talking too much. If someone is dominating more than 60 percent of the conversation, he or she is likely to seem self-absorbed – and not second-date material.

Letting both people share equally in the dinner dialogue also can help deter a truly egregious faux pas: over-confiding about the ex.

Apparently no one told Chan’s date that talking – and talking and talking – about a former flame (whom he nevertheless insisted he was over) is a disaster.

“The whole night he practically cried, ‘Oh, I didn’t see it coming,’ ” recalls Chan, a 40-year-old Silicon Valley tech executive. “I kept thinking, ‘What does this Susan look like? She must be, Wow! He was totally in love with her.’ “

And yet, forthrightness is crucial. Especially about the physical package, especially for online daters. Telling untruths on this all-important topic can cause havoc, Schwartz warns. Photos must be current, and fibs about weight and height, as well as age, marital status and profession, fail to impress when it comes time to meet in the flesh.

“Please, please be honest about your weight and how tall you are,” she says. “People say, ‘I’m toned and fit,’ and they show up and they are really heavier than that. That’s a disaster because people feel misled.”

At the same time, don’t be too self-critical. Avoid going on about how you’ve been dumped, Compagno says. You paint yourself as a loser, and who wants to date one of those?

Sometimes people just don’t realize how their actions, or words, are being perceived across the table.

Lisa Nunes, a 35-year-old San Jose escrow officer, recalls the thirtysomething guy who, in a moment of sharing, told her that if he continued to drink caffeine, “he would lose all control of his bowels by the time he was 40. He then told me he was ordering coffee with dessert.

“It was the first date – and the last date,” she says.

In the delicate dance of getting-to-know-you, even questionable table manners can be a deal-breaker.

“The real date-buster is when halfway through the meal she gets out a toothpick and starts cleaning her teeth,” says San Jose, Calif., business owner Jeffrey Perlis, 45. “You are supposed to be on your best behavior on your first date. You don’t floss during your meal. If they start doing this now, what are they going to be like in six months? You can only extrapolate so much in your mind before you run in terror from the table.”

Compagno tells men to be restrained, no matter how certain they are after the first meeting that she is The One. Don’t call repeatedly, overwhelm her with flowers or send non-stop e-mails. She doesn’t want to go out with a stalker. Being too aggressive also can give the impression that one is desperate.

On the other hand, don’t be too passive. That just makes the other person wonder what’s going on and might suggest the date already has a Plan B.

The ideal is to seek a casual middle ground, she says. Be fully engaged (lots of eye contact helps), just as you’d be with a good friend, but not like someone trying to sell a used car in 30 minutes or less.

“Everybody wants to be liked,” Compagno says. “It’s what gets things going.”

Compagno tells her clients to limit the time they spend on the first date: It’s tough to be around a stranger for a long stretch, no matter how good the chemistry. Midweek dates help make sure the encounter ends at a reasonable hour.

She recommends people take dating as seriously as a job interview, but cautions against treating it like one. The low-key sales pitch is more effective than a resume-like presentation.

“Enjoy the moment,” she counsels. “But stay within some etiquette guidelines.”