Age-related disease may affect behavior
Dear Annie: My mother is elderly but in good health. Her personal hygiene, however, is terrible. She neither shampoos, cuts nor combs her hair. Her hands look like she’s been digging in dirt, her clothing is wrinkled and stained, and her hair literally sticks up every which way, as if she got out of bed and never touched it, which is probably the case. My siblings and I have tried, delicately, to discuss her hygiene, but she gets very insulted and says she isn’t out to impress anyone.
Mom could easily afford a trip to the salon once or twice a week and some new clothes, but she won’t do it. We’ve offered to take her for a cut and perm, and then for lunch after, but she turns us down. Her housekeeping is the same. She has help once a week, but in between those cleanings, Mom does absolutely nothing. Crumbs and sticky spills are left on the table, food in the sink, and a mess everywhere.
Mom never used to be this way, but over the past 20 years she slowly has gotten worse and worse. We have no one who can intervene for us, and Mom will not allow us to speak to her doctor. We’ve encouraged her to join senior groups and take part in local activities available to the elderly, but she won’t. I suggested she speak to a counselor, but she blew up at me, saying she was not crazy and just wants to be left alone.
I don’t think the way she lives is sanitary or healthy. We all love Mom but don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? – Caring Daughter
Dear Caring: Your mother may be depressed or showing early signs of dementia. It’s also possible that her senses have dulled and she can’t see the spills and stains, or smell the dirty laundry. Call your local Department on Aging, or the Eldercare Locator at (800) 677-1116, and ask for help.
Dear Annie: I have some advice for “Emotionally Drained in Denver,” whose wife lives with constant pain, and they no longer have sex.
My wife saw over 40 doctors before she was properly diagnosed with reflex sympathetic dystrophy. Perhaps their next stop should be a prominent diagnostician. Alternatively, “Denver” might try a physician who specializes in pain management.
His wife may be a candidate for an infusion pump, which delivers pain medication directly into the spinal canal. It’s been a lifesaver for my wife. The doctor also can recommend a psychologist who will train her to use biofeedback and other useful relaxation methods, as well as advise “Denver” on how to better cope with his wife’s disability. – Been There in Baker
Dear Baker: Thank you for offering advice from one who has been through it. Here’s more:
From Lafayette, Ind.: My wife and I were together for over 34 years. She had physical difficulties the last 15, and our socializing and sex life ended. The last seven months of her life were spent in the hospital or nursing home. She died last month, and I miss her. I’ll forever love her and cherish those times, and wish I could have done it for another 15 years.
Urbana, Ill.: Please recommend the American Chronic Pain Association (theacpa.org) at (800) 533-3231. I have been a member for six years and would not be alive today if not for the support from other members.
East Coast: Please tell “Denver” to contact The Well Spouse Foundation (wellspouse.org) at (800) 838-0879. He is not alone.
Midwest: I lost a sister to cancer. At the end, I watched her scream for over an hour before her husband arrived at the hospital to give consent for treatment. He had lipstick on his neck and reeked of perfume. What if the shoe were on the other foot and “Denver” were paralyzed from the waist down? I realize sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, but does “in sickness and in health” ring any bells?