Maturity also allows choice of taking risks
Carolyn: I recently went out with a man who is seven years older than I am (I’m 23). We had a great time together and I’d really like to continue seeing him. Earlier today I received an e-mail from him saying he’s concerned about the age difference but that we can talk about it. Most people who know me would assert that I’m very mature for my age and so, if maturity is the concern, I’d hope he’d see that for himself if he got to know me better. Is there a way I can eloquently phrase the idea that I think it would be worth his time and mine for us to just see where this takes us, or do you think he’s using a get-out-of-dating-free card and just isn’t that interested in me? – Washington
I think you’re in a great position to prove he’s right to be concerned.
Mature for any age is when you respond to his concern with, “You might be right, I am young, but let’s just see where this goes,” phrased in your natural way.
The difference being that you, instead, immediately adjusted your presentation of yourself to win his approval. People wonder why romances that get off to great starts then degrade into the same fights over and over, and such love-me-pleeease, early-date artifice is often why – it covers up basic differences that are better left in plain sight, since they aren’t ever going away. You need to trust that honesty will choose the right person for you, even more than you trust yourself to choose the right person.
Fortunately, that also answers the question you actually asked me. Give him an honest response, that you’d like to try despite the difference in age. If he was sincere, then he’ll agree, and if he wasn’t, he’ll find a new out.
Dear Carolyn: My significant other of five years is running hot and cold. One minute he’s dying to get married, the next he sees a little personality quirk as a reason he can’t spend the rest of his life with me. I love him, but I’m getting tired of his constant criticism and desire to mold me into his ideal woman. I see it as a sign of his immaturity (or naivete) that he thinks it’s OK to do this. Do I help him see what he’s doing is not acceptable, or just end it for him? – Baltimore
I don’t care if he’s naive, immature, a big fat meanie, or a slave to the microchip in his forebrain; he thinks it’s OK to do this because, by accepting it year after year, you’re telling him it’s OK.
Why? Why do you want to marry him, when you know it means you’ll be corrected for being yourself, till death or divorce do you part?
Start sticking up for your un-ideal self. Start being that self. And when he criticizes you for it, start saying no. I’m fine. I’m not changing. Give him the choice of loving the person you are – the one I suspect he hasn’t quite seen, as you’ve pre-empted and smoothed out your “quirks” – or leaving. And if he hovers judgmentally between the two, then, yes, please just end it – for you.