Trust instinct next time you get same signs

Hello Carolyn: Found out that my ex had cheated on me, while we were still together. I know it shouldn’t make a difference now, but it does. I keep thinking back to the times where I thought she had been cheating. I would analyze the situations and I would always come to the same conclusion, I was just being paranoid.

Now I know that wasn’t the case. A few questions: How could I have been so stupid? How do I keep this from negatively affecting future relationships?

I don’t want to sound like a whiny victim. I know I played my part in this. It has been three months and would like to get over this already. Any advice? – Mr. Dumb

It does make a difference now, because it should. Yes, she’s your ex, it’s already over, you can’t travel back through time to dump her. (In the future, when we are all wearing silver jumpsuits, I believe this service will be offered.) But now that you have the unwelcome information, you might as well use it.

Precisely as you’re using it, in fact: to ask yourself how you could have been so stupid, and how you’re going to keep this from polluting your future loves.

We all throw around references to wisdom and experience – but while we’re wising and experiencing, it seems like a bitter new concept.

Anyway. The answer to the first question is easy. You weren’t stupid. You were trusting, optimistic, and any other euphemism for being a sucker. But in a way that should make you proud, not ashamed, because you had such loving intent – out of which arose a loving effort to override the instinct that was telling you something was wrong.

Now, you know. Do not override instinct.

Wisdom gained.

Next.

The second question is where you apply this new wisdom. When you’re in a new relationship, instead of becoming the dread Person Who Punishes Every New Mate for a Past Mate’s Transgressions (PWPENMPMT), you become the guy who trusts his girlfriend to be faithful, because you now know: If she isn’t, your instinct alarms will go off. You will sense something is wrong… .

Unless your next girlfriend is a better liar. In which case, the new wisdom will be, don’t ignore all those signs you ignored that she wasn’t entirely honest. And so on till enlightenment comes (assuming you’re home when it knocks).

Dear Carolyn: I have a friend who recently gained around 50 pounds. She constantly makes self-disparaging remarks. These remarks make me very uncomfortable, especially because I’m thin. I never quite know how to react. If I say, “You look great,” she tells me I’m lying. How is one supposed to react to, “I could never wear a shirt like the one you have on,” and other similar comments? Please give me some kind of response for the next time this happens. – In Need of Responses

“Please don’t tear yourself down.” It puts the attention where it belongs, on her self-loathing, and does so kindly. Not to mention conveniently, since it diverts the attention from you.