We need a superhero to stop this horror

Consternation has been rampant in Hollywood this year. It seems fewer people are flocking to the movies.

Many theories have been advanced, ranging from the rise of the home theater, to the rise of the price of popcorn, to the rise in those annoying ads before the show.

I am not sure exactly what is causing America to stay away in droves. But I can tell you what is causing me to stay away: dudes with super-powers.

Here’s my problem: I don’t like comic books.

And this is not just because I am old. I thought comic books were dumb when I was 12.

For someone with this – aesthetic prejudice, you might say – it has been a tough summer. When “Batman Begins” came out, I didn’t care. When “The Fantastic Four” came out, I didn’t care. When “The War of the Worlds” came out, I was relieved to see it was based not on a comic book but on a classic piece of literature. I still didn’t care. Tom Cruise was in it.

We non-comic-book fans have been in trouble long before this summer. The modern problem dates all the way to 1978 when “Superman” first arrived on the big screen. Yes, I know that Superman was a beloved American icon full of mythic meaning and deep psychological resonance, etc … etc. Yet there was no getting around the fact that Superman was a guy wearing a cape.

Ever since then, we have been subjected to every comic book character from Batman to Spiderman to Conan the Barbarian to the Incredible Hulk to the X-Men to Hellboy to Spawn.

Now, I know it is wrong of me to dismiss movies based strictly on genre. But the chances of me spending $7 to see “Spawn” are nil. Or to put it another way, it would be a cold day in “Hellboy.”

If I could only get over this prejudice, I might be happier, better-adjusted or at least have more Cineplex choices. Yet, to get all theoretical on you, I can’t transcend the essential violations of logic, reality and physics that are intrinsic in the super-hero aesthetic.

Or, to put it another way, it all strikes me as super-B.S.

I mean, the ability to become elastic on demand? Isn’t that a stretch?

And from a storytelling point of view, it’s just plain cheating. Whenever some character gets in a jam he just turns himself into a steam locomotive or a gas-powered wood chipper or something.

However, a strong argument can be made for the comic book as the new American mythology. The Greeks had Hercules and Zeus and we have Superman and, I don’t know, Silver Surfer. Just like ancient characters from mythology, our modern super-heroes are bigger than life and represent archetypal elements of the human psyche.

Sure, that’s a good theory, but it still doesn’t explain “Daredevil” starring Ben Affleck.

I have in fact watched several comic-book movies on purpose, some with a degree of pleasure. The “Spiderman” movies were lots of fun and did not insult our intelligence at all, despite the considerable obstacle of featuring a main character who shoots webs out of his fingers or wrists or maybe his nose.

This goes to show that a quality product can transcend any genre. This is why people who don’t like country music still can see that Johnny Cash, for instance, brings home the goods. Then again, there’s also Cledus T. Judd.

I like to think that my taste in movies is fairly broad yet I am deluding myself. I am not a huge fan of action movies or sci-fi movies either, which means I am essentially cut out of 80 percent of Hollywood products. I am mostly relegated to hoping Bill Murray arrives with something.

Either that, or I’ll just have to wait for another one of those remakes of old TV shows, like the upcoming “Mission: Impossible III.”

Oh, forget that. Tom Cruise is in it.

Addendum: As faithful readers might recall, my wife, Carol, has scoured the width of British Columbia, hiked into remote Yellowstone lakes, staked out Montana willow thickets and trudged up high Idaho creeks in an attempt to break her two-plus-year moose-sighting drought. Finally, on Monday, the drought ended. Three blocks from home. In Comstock Park. The moral: To seek the moose, you must let the moose seek you.