It’s time for rockers to roll along on walkers

When I was a kid, I saw something called an apple doll. Apple dolls are made by carving a mouth, nose and eyes into a ripe apple, then putting it away in a cool, dry place for several weeks. As the apple dries it hardens and withers until it resembles a tiny, deeply etched and wizened head.

I only bring this up because I just saw a photo of the Rolling Stones.

The photograph in this week’s Newsweek Magazine shows what would appear to be four dried-apple dolls sitting on a leather sofa and chair.

Am I the only one who noticed the bad boys are looking old?

I read in the magazine that the practically septuagenarian rockers are hitting the road again for another concert tour, but I’m having a hard time getting excited.

I don’t know. What once looked so sexy – Jagger’s exaggerated prancing and Richards’ cigarette dangling, too-hip-for-the-room pose, now looks, well, silly.

Years ago, I heard a comedian describe Jagger’s stage strut as resembling a “rooster on acid.” I laughed at his imitation and thought it was dead-on. But, to be blunt, I think Jagger’s rooster days are over. With that wiry body, and that leathery face, he looks more like a dancing iguana.

Not that I have anything against aging rockers. I make no secret of the fact that I think Bruce Springsteen is a real hunk. At 55 he’s showing his age, but he’s still got enough meat on his bones to look like he’ll make it through the concert, or any other strenuous physical activity, without keeling over. Not like Jagger, who looks like beef jerky with a microphone. The only celebrity with less body fat is King Tut.

No, if I have to shell out big bucks to see a legend, I’ll take the Boss.

Look at Bonnie Raitt. She’s in her late 50s. She’s got that signature streak of white in her hair, and lines on her face, but she’s gorgeous. When she walks onto the stage she looks like a real woman who’s been around the block, but is still strong.

Tina Turner is even older than Mick Jagger and the rest of the Stones. She’s seen some hard times, too – remember Ike? But she looks phenomenal. She doesn’t have a face like the tread on an all-weather tire. She’s pushing 70 and she’s still got an hourglass figure and killer legs. Unlike Jagger, Turner can still shimmy without looking silly.

Springsteen, Raitt and Turner are all aging, hard-living, powerhouses. They hit the stage and grab you. And they don’t look like dried fruit.

Still, there’s an important place for Mick, Keith and the rest of the band in this world. How long before they sign on for the Viagra “I can’t get no satisfaction” tour?

(Think of the ad potential: “If the urge to party hard lasts more than four hours, consult your physician.”)

Aging baby boomers, who will buy anything that uses the music of their youth as its theme song, will identify instantly with the image of Mick Jagger strutting and singing, “If you start me up …”

Why not special AARP lounges for concert-goers?

Imagine the groupies, in this case legions of Red Hat Society ladies, clamoring to get backstage to tend to the musicians intimate needs – you know, setting out bran muffins and keeping the decaf hot.

We all need someone to love.

No, I won’t pony up hundreds of dollars to see the Rolling Stones tour kickoff in Boston, and I won’t be standing in line for a ticket anywhere else. I think I’ll just buy the CD, stay home and whittle an apple while I listen.

Besides, if I want to see something that old, I can always spend a day in a museum with King Tut.

Coincidentally, he’s touring again this year, too.