When market crashed, helmets were required

Sat., Aug. 20, 2005

Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review

Have people always been like this? I mean, obsessed about real estate?

Probably. Let’s listen in on a typical couple, circa 50,000 B.C.:

Ogga: (glancing around and sighing) So, what do you think it’s worth?

Og: (looking up from fire pit) What? This old cave?

Ogga: Yes. What do you think we could get for it?

Og: I don’t know. Couple of bison.

Ogga: Oh, come on. The Broonks, across the valley? They got four bison for theirs.

Og: No way. That hole isn’t worth one muskrat.

Ogga: I know. It’s a shame how they let it go. All I’m saying: They got four bison.

Og: Who was dumb enough to give ‘em four bison?

Ogga: Some couple who migrated from down south. They didn’t blink an eye. Hauled in four carcasses, dumped ‘em at the opening and moved in. And they were glad to pay it. They told the Broonks that an overhang – not even a cave, just an overhang – is going for 12 bison down where they came from.

Og: That’s just stupid.

Ogga: (shrugs shoulders) I’m just saying.

Og: (looks at cave walls) Well, we could feed a long time on four bison. Still, we’d have to find another cave somewhere. We’d probably have to give five bison to get anything decent.

Ogga: (wistfully) Yes. I didn’t think of that.

Og: (thinking hard) Or, we could just be kind of, you know, nomadic.

Ogga: What? And haul four carcasses behind us all over the countryside? No way. We need a cave. I just wish we had a … nicer one.

Og: Well, maybe we should just fix this one up.

Ogga: Yes. We could get a nicer fire ring, for starters.

Og: (surprised) I thought you liked this fire ring.

Ogga: Well, it serves its purpose. Most people have better ones. Even the Broonks had a better one.

Og: What are you talking about? What’s so great about theirs?

Ogga: The stones match. They fit together well. They’re not always falling over like ours. I mean, would it kill you to haul in some nicer rocks?

Og: Fine. I’ll go get some nicer rocks. (Broods and stirs the fire) All of the sudden, we need a fancy fire ring just because the Broonks bartered their place for four bison.

Ogga: (after a long pause) Or, we could get a second cave.

Og: A second cave?

Ogga: Yes! You know, a lake cave! We keep this one, but in the summers we migrate up to our lake cave. The kids and grandkids could go swimming and –

Og: How are we going to afford a lake cave?

Ogga: We’ll go rustic. We’ll decorate simply, just a log and a pictograph of a moose.

Og: OK, I’ve got to admit, that sounds fun. Do you think we can find one?

Ogga: A lot of the best ones are already taken. People inherit them. But if we go high enough into the mountains, lake caves are there for the taking.

Og: There’s nobody in them?

Ogga: Just a cave bear. If you can sneak up on one while it’s hibernating, the place is ours.

Og: Me? With my back?

Ogga: I’m not saying you won’t get your pelt mussed. But trust me, it’ll be worth it. That lake cave will be worth 16 carcasses before you know it.

Og: (dreamily) Wow, 16 carcasses.

Ogga: Believe me, Og, the future is in caves and lots of ‘em.

Og: What if this is all a bubble?

Ogga: What’s a bubble?

Og: It’s where the price of a cave goes up too high and then crashes and you’re stuck with a bunch of worthless caves.

Ogga: Oh, come on. People always need a place to live. What are they going to do? Start building huts?

Og: (laughs) Yeah. Huts! Like that’ll happen.

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