The grass is looking greener…

Q I’m in my early 20s and am not ready to settle down, but I do enjoy being with the woman I’m now dating. Here’s my dilemma. I’ve recently met another woman who seems interested in me. I know it would be wrong to date her on the sly, but I also know my girlfriend will dump me if I tell her I want to date someone else. This new woman might not work out as well as my current relationship. But I would like to try it. What do you suggest?

Steve: Imagine you are standing before two doors. One is marked “Damned if you do.” The other is marked “Damned if you don’t.” Choose one.

Mia: OK, slimeball, you can’t string your girlfriend along while you audition her replacement! So if you really want to try out Bachelorette No. 2, then you have to break things off with your girlfriend. And realize that if you end it, you may not get a second chance with her. Love is, as Pat Benetar once sang, a battlefield.

Q I’m retiring after working 50 hours a week my entire adult life. I’m worried that if I spend a lot more time with my wife, we’ll get sick of each other or fight. How do you suggest we keep our marriage going during this transition?

Mia: Find some interests that don’t involve following your wife around all day. Join a book club or take a class or start gardening. And try something new with your wife, like going dancing, perhaps. If you care about each other, it will work out.

Steve: You might even grow closer. Either way, you’ll really get to know the person you married. But Mia’s right, make sure you create some things to do on your own.

Q My girlfriend always wants me to cuddle her, but I can’t sleep that way. Truthfully, I’d rather cuddle my pillow, but she insists. What should I do?

Mia: Ah, the eternal cuddle debate. No matter how much they love each other, men and women always have different cuddling needs. Perhaps you could make it up to your girlfriend by cuddling her on the couch while watching TV. Then later you can sleep with your pillow in peace.

Steve: Tell your girlfriend that lack of sleep makes you crabby and less likely to cuddle. But if you go to bed a half-hour earlier, you can get in some quality cuddle time before rolling over and sleeping with Miss Pillow.

Q I’ve asked this woman on a first date. Problem is I haven’t had sex in eight years, and if it leads to that, I’ll get overexcited and leave her frustrated. I am nervous and thinking of canceling. Please help.

Steve: OK, a couple of things. First, despite the message that our sex-drenched, infantile popular culture delivers, it is actually possible to go out on a date with a woman and not have sex. You could even be friends. Second, if you do end up in bed, focus on her, not you. She’s more likely to give you a second chance even if you do mess up.

Mia: Masturbate before you go out. That way you won’t embarrass yourself.