Holidays may heighten the awkwardness among friends

The holidays can throw your financial differences with friends into sharp relief.

As an office buddy describes a lavish ski trip, you sweat how to pay the mortgage on top of record winter heating bills. Or you invite a friend to go Christmas shopping, and she suggests Wal-Mart when you were itching to hit Nordstrom.

“It becomes more sensitive over the holidays,” said Clay Osborne, a vice president of human resources at Bausch & Lomb in Rochester, N.Y. “In reality in our society, most people basically relate inordinately within their socioeconomic class.”

Those who manage to bridge the gap say the effort is worth it — you’re rewarded with a friendship you know isn’t based on status.

Clare and Nelda Coxey of Indianapolis were so close to their handyman David Englund that they cared for him during his fatal struggle with pancreatic cancer.

“He lived in a one-room apartment in a place that he labeled the Heartbreak Hotel. We had a 6,000-square-foot historic mansion,” Clare Coxey said. “Our relationship with David was unique. There wasn’t any facade you had to break through to make a relationship.”

Englund joined the Coxeys for Thanksgiving and Christmas family dinners but usually declined to attend their larger holiday events. He’d help set up for the parties, then leave. Out of respect, they never pressed him to stay.

A little sensitivity — in both directions — goes a long way.

Jim Christ, an information technology specialist for a Cassopolis, Mich., manufacturer, feels awkward telling his co-workers about the Disney cruises he and his wife, an entrepreneur, have taken. He knows none of them can afford the expense.

“They call us nuts because we’ll spend $600 on a stray dog we find,” Christ said. “That’s our prerogative.”

Still, he and colleague Darren Grumm, a design engineer, have become friends. “We just fish together and have a good time,” Christ said.

Christ likes to pick up their tabs because he makes more money and Grumm has a young daughter. Grumm regards him as simply quicker to grab the check. “I always try to pitch in for gas or try to buy lunch,” Grumm said. “I try to sneak one in there every now and then just to keep it even.”

In Osborne’s opinion, both participants must contribute, regardless of their respective wealth. It could be a token, like paying the tip on a bill, or something non-monetary.

“For the relationship to be viable and healthy, it’s always important that a minimum level of sharing goes on,” he said.

Tami Lindsley’s two children receive hundreds of dollars’ worth of toys from family and friends at Christmas. A single mom who works part-time as a breastfeeding consultant, Lindsley, of Mt. Angel, Ore., can’t reciprocate with store-bought presents. But she’s happy to install a friend’s car seat, babysit, or knit a hand-made gift.

“There’s other ways to trade off than just money,” Lindsley said.

J. Christine Wilson of Rochester, N.Y., daughter of Xerox founder Joseph Wilson, learned early not to alienate friends by offering to pay. As a preteen, she and a friend went to get some ice cream and her friend was offended when she wanted to treat.

“My friend said, ‘Absolutely not. Just because you have a lot of money doesn’t mean you will buy my ice cream,’ ” Wilson remembered. “The topic started for me very young.”

The matter can be as simple as paying attention to how your friends use money, the type of restaurants and stores they frequent, and their body language when the check arrives at the table.

Penny Layne, a food services worker in Cleveland, got upset when a friend who came into money and relocated to Boca Raton, Fla., kept urging her to visit.

“We’re having financial problems in our house,” said Layne, whose husband recently lost his job. “I can’t just hop on a plane and fly down so we can party and go shopping.”

The pressure will probably escalate over the holidays because “she’s a major Christmas person,” Layne said.

On the other hand, people with more lavish spending habits can be wounded by unsolicited comments.

During her morning commute, Phoenix-based direct marketer Erika Keenan often talks via cell phone to one friend, who invariably speaks up when she hears Keenan order at the drive-through Starbucks. “She says, `You know, you can save money if you make your own coffee,”’ Keenan said. “I feel like I’m judged.”

A common difficulty occurs when friends don’t communicate an outing’s likely cost.

Heather Brien, a marketing manager in New York City, went for drinks with six friends recently, ending up at a fancy club where three new people shared the group’s bottle. One friend covered the $1,000 bill and said he’d collect from each person later.

“I’m going to owe somewhere between $100 and $150 for two drinks,” Brien said. She hadn’t anticipated that expense, but added, “I’m not going to stick him with it if the other three people are flaking out.”

Brien prefers to discuss up front how much a get-together will cost, and share the bill at the moment of payment. If she can’t afford it, she bows out or suggests a cheaper alternative.

Sharon Greenfield, a mother of two children in Oldsmar, Fla., lets friends with limited means plan trips or outings, so they can pick a venue and budget that suits them.

One of the trickiest issues to navigate is whether to lend friends money. Some people give cash outright when asked for a loan, so the relationship isn’t strained by an ongoing obligation.

Osborne no longer lends money, after losing a friend who not only didn’t pay him back, but didn’t return phone calls. “It’s better to give money with no expectation of getting it back. That’s the only way to maintain the relationship,” he said.

Wilson lent one friend $75,000 in 1998, under a legal document that set out payment terms and interest. “I’ve been paid on a regular basis over time and I’m very proud of that and I know my friend is proud of that also,” she said.

Still, she’d rather not entangle friendship and money. If a good friend were in a dire situation, she’d prefer to give money. “It avoids the disappointment, the ongoing expectation of, “Am I going to get paid this month?”’ she said.