Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

No invitation, no gift for you

Judith Martin United Feature Syndicate

Occasionally a disgruntled patron attending a charity fund-raiser dinner or ball can be overheard muttering, “How much did we pay for these tickets? I’d pay twice that if we could stay home instead.”

Rather than being insulted, some organizers have become inspired. So every once in awhile, an ersatz invitation goes out promising that if the recipients donate money to the charity, they can claim to other such solicitors that they are already committed for the evening and are free to enjoy themselves as they wish.

Miss Manners finds Buy Back Your Time an amusing little ploy, and hopes that it works. Philanthropy and society are both important facets of life, although she fails to see why the charity budget and the amusement budget should be linked. Surely money that is available for charity should be devoted entirely to charity without subtracting one’s own food and drink. And surely it is the very nature of socializing to dispense and enjoy free hospitality with people one likes instead of being thrust among fellow purchasers.

Miss Manners feels sheepish about confessing all this because she is well aware that charities would suffer if everyone felt that way. Selling entertainment is a major source of their intake, especially the grand-scale kind that comes with the lavish trappings that few individuals can afford to provide for their guests. Certainly there is nothing to stop those who do not wish to attend from sending in contributions, except perhaps the fear of how much of it the attendees may end up eating or drinking.

Her small point was about the cleverness of playing into the plight of those who feel coerced into attending such events. This only began to scare her when she found that the contributions-only ploy is now being applied to private life.

Gentle Readers are reporting receiving notices about sending presents such as would be given by guests at weddings or baby showers to people who have not invited them to weddings or baby showers. “Registry cards,” the modern form of targeted begging, have been arriving with tasteless invitations for some time; now they are arriving without.

They all want to know whether they are obligated to oblige.

No, of course not. The charity events are dressed up fund-raisers, but social life is all about being with people you like and sharing their important occasions. Eliminating the social part is not likely to leave much in the way of generosity-inspiring sentiment.

On the other hand, paying such people to keep away may be something of a bargain.