It’s simple: Guys go ape for Kong

Throw away the Dr. Phil books. Ditto for that “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” malarkey.

You want to unlock the mystery of what separates the sexes?

It is 25feet tall and weighs 8,000 pounds.

It smells like bananas.

Here we are on the brink of the movie release of the new millennium – Peter Jackson’s remake of “King Kong” – and every guy I talk to is just like me, slobbering with anticipation.

Yet whenever I attempt to share my innermost Kong feelings with a woman, she just rolls her eyes and gives me this look like I just ralphed all over her clam dip.

Take my lovely wife, Sherry, for example.

She actually wondered why I would want to waste my time and money seeing something when I already knew what would happen.

To which I replied:

“Honey, it’s about a GIANT FREAKING MONKEY!!!”

(Columnist Clarification: Yes, I know Kong is technically an ape. So lay off the demands for an Accuracy Watch correction. I’m trying to make a stinking point here.)

Women just don’t seem to understand the close man/monkey connection.

But I’m no gorilla. You won’t see me tossing my wife over my shoulder and carrying her to a downtown theater to force her to watch a movie she doesn’t want to see.

Although let the record show that I did, and without too much complaining, sit through “Shop Girl.”

Besides, I have a much better idea.

Today I offer the dude entertainment package of a lifetime. I have in my possession four tickets to tonight’s midnight sneak-peek showing of “King Kong” at the River Park Square 20 theaters.

I will give away three tickets to like-minded guys willing to sacrifice sleep and sanity for the sake of Kong.

That’s right, boys. We’re off to Skull Island.

So call my number: 459-5432. Or e-mail me at the address information below.

Leave your name and number. Plus a message telling me how badly you want to go. And don’t try to scam me; I know a King Kong con man when I see one.

I will select the three most heartfelt requests and call you back to arrange a time and place to meet. As an added attraction, I will also spring for popcorn and sodas.

Everyone else can stay tuned for Thursday’s column, when I will relay our magical experiences from our cinematic simian bonding.

Maybe the movie won’t live up to the hype. But I doubt it.

Listen to what critics are saying:

“King Kong is epic” – Devin Gordon, Newsweek.

“An amazing adventure” – Bill Zwecker, Chicago Sun-Times.

“I think I’m going to pee myself” – Doug Clark, The Spokesman-Review.

My affection for King Kong dates back to a childhood visit to a neighbor’s lake cabin. Rain forced us indoors. With nothing to do, I switched on the TV.

And there – in scratchy black and white – was the original 1933 “King Kong.”

Oh, for joy. I stood slack-jawed and transfixed, watching this timeless take on the beauty and the beast.

That Fay Wray was a babe. I may have been a prepubescent lad. But I could see the babeness.

The movie moved me to create my own artistic retelling. I borrowed a vial of red food coloring from my mom and covered the yellow chest of my stuffed toy chimpanzee with gory fake bullet holes.

Then I spent days re-enacting the heart-breaking finale.

“King Kong” is the ultimate guy movie for a number of deep and philosophical reasons, which I will now list.

“ Every dude who has ever been shot down in flames by a beautiful woman can relate to King Kong.

“ Every dude who has ever dreamed of beating his chest and running naked through a dinosaur-filled jungle can relate to King Kong.

“ Every dude … Oh, forget all that. It’s about a GIANT FREAKING MONKEY!!!

Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.