In breakup, speak only for yourself

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Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a woman for several months. It’s not working out, but she doesn’t know it. She’s comfortable with the things we have in common, like political opinions and career goals. But the things we don’t have in common are more subtle, and more important to me. Socially, I’m trusting; she is suspicious. She’s dark; I’m easygoing. She plots her enemies’ demise; I discuss my friends’ successes. She presumes the worst; I anticipate the best. She’s negative; I’m positive. She’s confrontational, and quick to judge; I’m neither.

Trouble is, she doesn’t comprehend or appreciate those things I value, or doesn’t choose to. I can tell that the differences between her attitude toward life and mine will keep us from ever being a permanent couple. We would both be better off dating other people. So the problem is: How do I break it off? What do I say? How do I start the conversation? I’ve broken up with others, but usually in an understanding, charitable, intelligent, respectful way. I think the start would shock and surprise her, and the end would be sudden, loud, angry and tearful. I’d rather part friends than enemies. – T.

Because you’re a great person and she isn’t.

That is the theme of your question.

And while it may be true (probably is; you at least get points for not being coy), there’s something about hearing how trusting, easygoing, supportive, optimistic, broad-minded, understanding, charitable, intelligent and respectful you are – from you – that subtly undermines my desire to be trusting, supportive, understanding, charitable, intelligent or respectful toward you.

I admit this not out of hostility, but caution. If you let any of this higher-minded-than-thou tone into your breakup discussion, I think you will get your shock and surprise, and an expletive chaser.

The way to break up with anyone is, foremost, to treat her as if she can take it.

A large part of that is recognizing you speak only for yourself, not for her. She may know that it’s not working out. She could be tired of dating Big Bird. Or not. Point is, you don’t know.

So speak only for yourself and don’t judge. “This isn’t working out.” “I enjoy you but our outlooks on life are too different.” “You’re a skeptic, and I’m Big Bird.”

You can’t choose a friendly outcome. You can only get over yourself, get your point across kindly, and duck.

Carolyn, Hi. I was just wondering. What are your views on a perfect relationship with mediocre sex? Do you think that it’s doomed to fail? – Sincerely, Disappointed

I think you need a new definition of “perfect relationship.”

There are people who genuinely could take or leave sex, and if you and he are two of them, then your relationship might indeed be perfect. But if sex is important to you, and you’re trying to persuade yourself that sex shouldn’t be important, then I think you are doomed, if not to failure then to eternal frustration. i.e., failure.

The good news is, if you’re right that your relationship is (otherwise) perfect, then you can deal with anything, so there’s a better-than-usual chance the sex can improve. Ask, share, guide, nudge – and practice practice practice.