Ask for guy’s number in case of day-later duhs

Editor’s note: Carolyn Hax is off for the holidays. The following are excerpts from winter 2004 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.

Carolyn: I’ve had a weird problem lately. I’m not a supermodel by any means, but as a young woman, I get approached a lot, most often by men I’d rather not date. I’m a bit shy and private, so I don’t like giving my number to the pushy guy I’ve talked to for five minutes in a bar or stood next to in line at the dry cleaners. Raised to be polite, I’ve become pretty good at being pleasantly defensive and giving a cordial “no,” or extricating myself from an awkward conversation before the question is asked.

So, the problem is, this defensive politeness has become autopilot. I’m so used to the pushy guys that I automatically start planning an escape route when I’m in a social conversation, or I find myself being prickly to people who don’t deserve it. I find myself giving a polite brush-off to perfectly nice guys out of habit and then realizing a day later, “Hey, that guy was actually pretty nice, and not skeevy. What did I just do?” I generally am lousy at flirting on top of things, and the defensiveness has made it worse. Any advice? – Va.

I have some technical advice – that you alter your escape route slightly and replace your cordial “no” with a request for the guy’s phone number. Be honest and say it isn’t a promise you’ll call, just a promise you’ll think about it. That way if you get an attack of the day-later duhs, you have some recourse.

What I don’t have advice for is the underlying defensiveness, in part because I’m not sure it’s a bad thing, as long as you can work around its tendency to repel (seemingly) good people. It’s not like one guy burned you and you’re making everybody pay; this is a behavior you developed in response to constant attention over time. So, I imagine there’s some value in it. I also suspect that now, because you’re aware you’ve taken it too far, you’re probably already self-correcting.

Carolyn: Whoa. Put the shoe on the other foot: If a guy were to ask for a girl’s phone number “just in case” he decided he might want to call her later, then didn’t call her, she’d be steamed that guys are creeps who ask for phone numbers then don’t call. Double standard? – Virginia

I advised her to say it wasn’t a promise, just that she’d think about it – and this was specifically in response to their asking for her number. This would work equally well if a girl asked a guy for his number and he didn’t want to give it out.

Carolyn: What if the other person gives you his/her phone number before asking for yours? Short of inventing a 555 number, is there any way to politely decline the request? – Anywhere, USA

Agh, inventing a number is horribly impolite. “I’m sorry, I’d rather not give out my number” is all you need to say. And if the person’s response is to pressure you, then try a simple, “Please respect my decision.” I’m not sure you want to be any more dukes-up with a stranger who’s already proved him/herself to be boundary-challenged.