Say you trust that she knows what she’s doing

Carolyn: My best friend, and roommate, was broken up with about four months ago by her boyfriend. It was her first boyfriend, and her first everything that comes along with that (we’re 23, by the way). Before he broke up with her, however, she was completely miserable and contemplated daily whether she should break up with him. His beating her to the punch totally threw her for a loop, and the past four months were terrible – for her, obviously, but also not so easy on me.

Bottom line, this guy is scum, and all of her friends think and have told her this, and their breaking up was best.

Then said scumbag saw my roommate at a party with a date. Fast forward to his showing up on our doorstep, begging, five-page “I love you and have made the biggest mistake of my life” letter in hand. How utterly predictable.

What I did not find so predictable was how my roommate took him back in less than a second. There has been other drama connected to this whole thing, but my concern is my friendship with my roommate. I am having a very, very hard time not being “mad” at her – maybe not so much mad as disappointed. I just feel like she is totally looking the other way when it comes to any sort of common sense. How can I get past this and not let it affect my friendship with her? – Totally Frustrated

“I love you” and its ilk get all the glory, but the most beautiful phrase between friends just might be, “I’ll trust you to know what you’re doing.” As in:

She: “I know you think he’s scum, but I’m back with Scum.”

You: “There’s no way you’ve forgotten how bad things got last time, so I’ll trust you to know what you’re doing.” (Hug.) (Violins).

If nothing else, it shows you appreciate two things: that she’s in charge of her own life, and that having to announce one’s reconciliation to one’s openly hostile friends can make one nostalgic for getting dumped.

Of course, to assure her that you trust her, you do in fact have to trust her. When it’s abundantly clear that you don’t.

Minor hurdle. In making yourself clear, you also pointed out that he’s her first everything, and there’s been high drama in every scene. From those same observations, here’s a different conclusion: that you not only should trust her, you have to. She’s young, new at this and tortured by the way things ended, so her trying again actually is predictable – and possibly even makes sense, as a way for her to make peace with it all, even if it’s a mistake.

If you really do want to “get past this,” take a walk in her shoes. (Or what I imagine are her shoes. Or just take her shoes, what are roommates for.) Tell yourself she’ll figure it out.

That said, there may come a point where, no matter how hard you rationalize, you can’t find any way to trust or respect her judgment – maybe right now, maybe when she does this with her eighth, ninth and 40th boyfriends. Then it will affect your friendship, because it’s supposed to. You can remain only so close to someone you just can’t respect.