Hide beaux woes from negative pals

Wed., Feb. 9, 2005

Judith Martin United Feature Syndicate

Dear Miss Manners: I have two friends (we are in our mid-20s) who feel the need to weigh in on every aspect of everyone else’s dating life. Neither of them date very much because they are both total snobs and very negative.

Whenever any of their friends starts dating someone new, and anything sketchy happens in the first few weeks of dating – like someone doesn’t call you back when they say they will – my friends will go on a relentless campaign in favor of dumping the new person. If you try to stick up for yourself, it causes a fight, and they both act like martyrs, saying, “Well, I know you’ll call me unsupportive, but I just hate it when my friends date losers who don’t respect them!”

Is this good friend behavior?

Gentle Reader: Why, they are such good friends that they cannot bear to think of your tolerating anyone who is less than perfect. And as everyone is less than perfect, they believe that you would be happier if you spent your time listening to their critiques rather than consorting with imperfect gentlemen.

Miss Manners notes, however, that your good friends do not meet their own standard. The issue is just what they deplore in your beaux: a lack of respect for you. Surely your judgment is key when it comes to deciding what lapses in behavior you find forgivable or correctable and which constitute firing offenses, yet they do not respect it.

You could accept their criteria, which would require firing them, or you could set an example of human kindness by overlooking their faults. In the latter case, Miss Manners would strongly suggest that you cease reporting your beaux’ peccadilloes to them.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a problem with politely ending instant messaging conversations. I know one should treat them similarly to telephone conversations, but without the subtleties of voice tone and pauses, it’s hard for me to skillfully maneuver my way out of them.

Some of my acquaintances adapt the practice of simply not responding to my last remark once they judge the conversation over. Since I know it leaves me feeling awkward as I wait for their response, I don’t want to employ this tactic. What is the correct manner in which to end IM conversations?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners cannot imagine that even those most devoted to their computers, who have not interacted with a real, live person for years, fail to understand that they cannot command everyone’s constant attention.

Signing off, which Miss Manners agrees you should do, does not require an excuse. “‘Bye for now” or “Talk to you later” are quite polite enough.

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