Badminton far too tough for this guy

Despite being mistaken for a serious sport worldwide, badminton, much like lawn darts and cockfighting, has never really risen above the status of “backyard summertime diversion” here in the good ol’ U S of A.

And that’s exactly where it will remain, if I have anything to say about it.

In fact, I encourage everyone within reading distance to – right now – go into your attics and garages and basements and seize your dust-covered family badminton set. (You’ll probably find them next to the dusty croquet sets.)

Now go outside and BURN THESE INSTRUMENTS OF EVIL!

I never harbored any strong opinions about badminton until Casey Gustafson called me up and challenged me to a match.

Sure, I said. Why not? It’s not like I have to actually work for a living. Besides, I’ve played tennis at least twice a week for the past 18 years. How tough could thwacking a silly, white birdie around be?

I found out Tuesday afternoon at Sports USA in Spokane Valley. After exchanging a few pleasantries, Casey proceeded to take me down the way demolition crews take down worn-out Vegas casinos.

Casey beat me 15-5, 15-5. That doesn’t sound too horrible until you learn that I was spotted five points a game.

Custer had a better showing.

Did I mention that Casey is a 12-year-old girl?

“Practice doesn’t make perfect, but you can come close,” she chirped after blowing me away like Old Yeller.

I’m deeply troubled by the youth of America. Well, this youth, anyway.

Drop shots. Overhead smashes. Line drives … The Spokane middle schooler has an arsenal of shuttlecock weaponry at her command.

But there’s another element besides technique when it comes to rendering an opponent into roadkill. Beneath the cute looks and polite demeanor lurks the killer instinct of a great white shark.

Get this: As if my ruination wasn’t thorough enough, Casey drilled her final shot for match point at my head.

And knocked my hat off.

This unexpected sight gag brought great joy to the small crowd of parents and kids who hooted and tittered at me from the bleachers. One mother quickly tried to arrange a match between me and her 7-year-old.

Doug: Spokane’s self-esteem builder.

If all junior badminton players are like Casey I’m going into hiding next July. That’s when the Spokane area will host the 2005 USA Badminton Junior National Championships.

Getting some publicity for the sport and this upcoming event was the ulterior reason behind Casey’s call to challenge me.

Her mom, Jeanne, is the tournament’s director. Last year, a record 262 players, ages 7 to 21, competed in the championships. Jeanne expects a similar number to turn out here.

Anyone who wants to help or get involved should contact her at (509) 532-8235.

There. I’ve done my good deed for the month.

Jeanne says Casey’s interest in badminton started with backyard games with her dad, Gary. Then she found she had a knack for it and joined the Shuttlefreaks, a local badminton club for juniors. She got more training at badminton camps and has won medals competing in tournaments.

Me? I’m just another sad notch on this kid’s racket.

Though highly damaging to my delicate psyche, I did learn a few fascinating facts about badminton.

For example, did you know that the shuttlecock is made from 16 goose feathers that are all yanked out of the same wing? Does PETA know about this?

In addition, in the wrong hands an innocent shuttlecock has been known to zing off a racket at speeds of up to 200 mph. Tell it to my hat.

Furthermore, players cover about a mile during an average match – which explains my chest pains.

But no hard feelings. I can take it. Thanks to Casey I will be forever known as the guy who put the “bad” in badminton.