Finding a healthy relationship

So you’ve reached the middle years of adulthood or later and you find yourself widowed or divorced. You’re ready to find a mate/companion but the prospect of dating seems more than a little daunting. You don’t even know where to start looking.

Now there’s a class to help you.

“Seasoned & Single, A Seminar for Mature Singles” is designed to give those who are middle-aged and older a jump-start to finding a healthy relationship. The class has been held twice, once at the Clark House last fall, and most recently over Valentine’s weekend at North Idaho College through its Community Education and Workforce Training classes.

The first place to look for a mate, say the seminar’s leaders, is at yourself.

“If you don’t develop a healthy relationship with yourself, you can’t develop it with another,” said Jackie Gedeik, a Coeur d’Alene licensed counselor and hypnotherapist.

The “Seasoned & Single” seminar was the idea of Kathleen Lamanna, a motivational speaker and life coach.

“Several years ago I was a matchmaker for a local business. We were happy to take (people’s) money, but what we really lacked was to provide people with skills once they matched up,” she explained.

“Seasoned & Single” fills that void. Roy Mitchell, a businessman and motivational speaker, provides a male perspective and Gedeik provides professional expertise as a licensed therapist. She’s also the “token” married person of the team.

Dating for those seasoned and single is different than it is for twentysomethings or teenagers.

“The old shallow ways of relating in our youth no longer does it for them,” Lamanna said.

By middle age, people have been through a lot of experiences and know what they want or at least what they don’t want out of life. They’re more relaxed, less driven.

“We’re able to look out for our own needs,” Gedeik said. “The second half of one’s life is more about what do I want. How can I get my needs met.”

“I may not know everything I want. But I know what I don’t want,” adds Mitchell. “That’s where the age thing comes in.”

“There’s an embracing of the now. Before it was always looking at the future,” Lamanna said.

“When you’re young, you don’t know yourself,” said Susan, a recent seminar participant who like most, preferred not to give her last name. “You don’t understand what you want. Now I’ve had 30 years to think about it. Now I realize I need to find someone compatible in my way of thinking and living.”

Said Roger, who lost his wife to cancer two years ago: “I don’t do the bar scene. I would like to find someone who shares common interests to do things with.”

“I need to know what to do. I’m kind of in the dark here,” said Gina, a recent widow.

The seminar starts by helping participants to identify any self-defeating behaviors and attitudes that may prevent them from developing a healthy relationship. And it educates them on how to spot those behaviors in potential partners. They’re taught about the “dirty dozen” – people to be avoided. Three of the dirty dozen are people who are emotionally unavailable, any of the “aholics,” and stingy people.

Being stingy permeates a person’s entire life and affects their relationships.

“If you hold out on life, life holds out on you,” Lamanna said.

One of the biggest things for anyone dating is communication skills, say the seminar leaders. “Asking the right questions helps you narrow the field,” Gedeik said.

Listening – really listening – to the answers you hear rather than what you want to hear is also a part of that, Mitchell adds.

The four-hour class is divided into presentations, skits and interactive exercises. Practical, how-to “action steps” to maximize the chances of attracting a healthy relationship are presented. Topics covered include: where to meet, how to spot and avoid the “dirty dozen,” pros and cons of Internet dating, the “victim triangle” and what men and women really want you to know.

If you “can focus on being as loving and accepting as you can be with yourself you can automatically enhance your chances of attracting a loving relationship,” Gedeik said.

“Allow your hearts to stay open and love will come again,” Lamanna said.