Just when we get revved up, it’s time to put it in park

With apologies once again to Bill Shakespeare, I present “The Seven Ages of Man, Car-Buying Edition”:

1. The Schoolboy – With new driver’s license clutched in sweaty hand, the Schoolboy scours the want ads for that most elusive of vehicles, the car under $500 that runs. Failing to find that, he settles for the next best thing, the car under $500 that doesn’t run but might after he and his friends gather round it for seven consecutive weekends and hit it with wrenches.

The Old Beater, as this car is called, serves to transport the Schoolboy back and forth to high school. It also serves as a rolling clubhouse, CD-listening cubicle, Taco Bell dining salon and mobile Dumpster.

2. The College Scholar – This age, also known as the High Insurance Rate Age or the Perpetually Broke Age (same thing), runs from approximately age 18 to 25. The College Scholar tends to also purchase Beaters, but slightly newer Beaters, ones that can get all the way to distant lands such as Pullman and back without a wheel falling off. (The wheel typically won’t fall off until Christmas, when Mom and Dad can pay repair bill).

This beater may in fact be his parents’ old car, sold to him on understanding that he will try to make monthly payments. He does, in fact, try.

3. Young Adult With First Real Job – The first real paycheck inaugurates Golden Age of Car-Buying in which giddy Young Adult goes out and buys new car he always wanted. This is often a new Jetta or Jeep or Jag. In extreme cases it can even be an extended-cab Dodge Ram pickup or even a Beemer. He has it for one year before he realizes payments are killing him. He sobers up and trades for a Kia Rio.

4. Young Parent – Sigh. The Golden Age was so fleeting. Now the Young Parent must go out and purchase a practical, four-door Accord, or in extreme cases, a mini-van, better to accommodate two car-seats and a holder for a sippy cup.

Either way, a typical Young Parent will have to purchase the vehicle used, since it has become hideously clear that a Young Parent can have either (1) a new car, or (2) a college fund, but not both.

5. Midlife Crisis Man – This age is often triggered by a huge life trauma, such as divorce, a career change or the onset of an incurable disease such as Male Pattern Baldness. The Midlife Crisis Man occasionally conforms to cliché and purchases a Corvette or possibly a BMW Z4. Yet more often he goes completely irrational and purchases something even less practical, such as a Hummer, a Ferrari or a perfectly restored 1964 Chevy Corvair.

His wife would purse her lips and express disapproval, if he still had a wife.

6. Successful Empty-Nester Man – This is a second Golden Age of car-buying in which a man suddenly develops an urge for something called “luxury.” He believes that he now deserves a Lexus or Cadillac or even a Buick, as long as it has Automatic Climate Control, heated seats and room for golf clubs in the trunk. He no longer has any interest in a “compact” car, possibly because he can no longer be described as “compact.”

7. The Retirement Man – This is not actually a car-buying age at all. It is the age in which a man holds onto whatever car he purchased 15 or 20 years ago. He keeps it in the garage except to go visit the grandkids. At first, it remains in perfect condition, since for the first time he can monitor the transmission-fluid level on a daily basis.

However, the ravages of time take their toll on both car and man. After a while, he routinely has minor altercations in the supermarket parking lot. He tells his adult children that he has no idea how that “Disabled Parking” sign ended up wedged into his grille.

After several years of driving adventure, his children take his keys away. Then they put the old, dented wreck up for sale.

A 16-year-old kid buys it for $500. The Great Cycle of Car-Buying begins anew.

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