‘Wickedly Perfect’ actually far from it

Neither bad press nor scandal nor prison walls can prevent Martha Stewart from inspiring tiresome television tributes, send-ups and parodies.

Add the “reality” series “Wickedly Perfect” (8 p.m., CBS) to the junk heap of programs that have tried and failed to cash in on our culture’s fascination with and admiration, fear and loathing of Martha Stewart and all she represents.

Unlike Stewart, “Wickedly Perfect” is perfectly bland, utterly predictable and frequently dull. “Perfect” features a dozen self-proclaimed tastemakers competing for the title of Viacom’s Corporate Diva of Domesticity.

The last person standing is guaranteed a book deal with Viacom publisher Simon & Schuster, a development deal for a CBS show and at least six appearances on CBS’ “The Early Show.” Will he or she get to sit on Julie Chen’s lap?

“Perfect” begins as host Joan Lunden divides the 12 participants into two teams and challenges them to an apple-picking contest at a Connecticut estate. After they’ve finished shaking their trees, they are told to create an apple-themed, show-stopping presentation for their three judges, chef Bobby Flay, celebrity hairstylist David Evangelista and celebrity/writer Candace Bushnell.

The makers of “Perfect” have decided to emphasize interpersonal tension over creative process, and as a result we hear a lot of sniping. We never learn why these folks were chosen or what makes them more tasteful, handy or cultured than the average viewer.

In fact, they almost seem coached to look and sound as unthreatening as possible. After all, Martha Stewart would never call an apple a mere apple.

She would educate you (or intimidate you) with the names of a dozen obscure varieties. This is the woman, after all, who introduced the world to colors like taupe and ecru and the spectrum of hues to be found in a nest of Arcuna chicken eggs.

Fans of Stewart’s programs, as well as of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” and Bravo’s vastly superior “Project Runway,” will find these contestants implausibly inarticulate and seemingly uneducated in matters of decor, art history and architecture. I never thought I would miss name-dropping and product placement, but these folks speak with maddening nonspecificity. Players enter rooms and say, “I love it,” but never mention the architectural style of the house, the fabrics used in the drapes, the names or varieties of appliances or the style of furniture. Viewers will learn absolutely nothing from this show.

While clearly chosen for their “edge,” the judges lack the sass of Tyra Banks’ crew on “America’s Next Top Model.” Candace Bushnell’s raspy voice is reminiscent of “Model” judge Janice Dickinson, but she shares none of her entertaining venom.

One keeps hoping for somebody, anybody, to go for the jugular. And that person will certainly not be Joan Lunden, who presides over “Perfect” with undisturbed serenity.

Do not adjust your dial. There is nothing wrong with your TV set.

ABC has simply reshuffled its schedule. Beginning tonight, “Life as We Know It” will air at 8 p.m., followed by “Extreme Makeover” (9 p.m.).

Other highlights

The Cohens welcome a new family member on “The O.C.” (8 p.m., Fox).

Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jessica Biel star in the 2001 drama “Summer Catch” (8 p.m., WB).

The facts behind the murder of an Arthur Conan Doyle buff are anything but elementary on “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS).

Jeff Goldblum guest-stars on “Will & Grace” (9 p.m., NBC). A repeat (9:30 p.m.), featuring a cameo by Janet Jackson, follows.

A bright student vanishes after a college board prep test on “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS).

Allison worries that she has helped to put the wrong man on death row on “Medium” (10 p.m., NBC).

Scheduled on “Primetime” (10 p.m., ABC): conjoined twins.

Series notes

Lucy Liu guest stars on “Joey” (8 p.m., NBC) … Dino seeks help on “Life as We Know It” (8 p.m., ABC) … Wrestling on “WWE SmackDown!” (8 p.m., UPN).

Todd returns on “Committed” (8:30 p.m., NBC).

Frankie introduces Tessa to his family on “North Shore” (9 p.m., Fox) … New opportunities on “Extreme Makeover” (9 p.m., ABC).