No one will get whacked

We just saw the midpoint of the hockey season pass by, and there have been very few surprises in the NHL.

Due to a somewhat unfortunate labor misunderstanding, no games have been played. The owner-generated lockout began Sept. 15 and could go on indefinitely, like Engelbert Humperdinck’s act.

Progress to settle the dispute has been slow.

In September, nothing happened.

In October, the NHL fined Steve Belkin, one of the Atlanta Thrashers’ owners, $250,000 for saying that replacement players would be used next season. The league wasn’t really upset with what he said – it just wanted the revenue.

In November, nothing happened.

In December, the league rejected an NHL Players Association proposal and the players immediately rejected the league’s counteroffer. Negotiations between the two sides took on the trappings of the Hatfield-McCoy feud, only without the posses.

In January, nothing has happened, other than Wayne Gretzky saying the NHL could be shut down for two seasons if a labor deal is not reached soon.

My goodness, how do you just wipe out two full seasons in an almost-major professional sport?

(Can you imagine if they wiped out two seasons of, say, “The Sopranos?” Maybe Pussy doesn’t get whacked and maybe Carmela doesn’t find out Tony slept with his former mistress’ one-legged cousin.)

The issue at the moment – with a talk scheduled for Wednesday – is whether the season can still be saved. Some observers feel there is a “drop-dead date” of Feb. 1 to resume playing or the season would be lost.

(A “drop-dead date” severely diminished one of my earlier marriages. She said, “Either you leave by Monday, or I will drop dead.” In deference to her health and well-being, I left by Monday.)

Naturally, the key sticking point remains money; both sides want more of it. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has been steadfast in his desire to achieve “cost certainty.”

Here’s all you need to know about the sad state of the NHL: According to the Los Angeles Times, last season the Anaheim Mighty Ducks lost $28 million and this season – if no games are played – they will lose only $10 million.

(Note I: I don’t necessarily trust these figures. It’s as if a hooker told you that last year, sleeping with 500 men, she lost $40,000, but this year, sleeping with nobody, she only lost $3,500. The numbers don’t add up.)

(Note II: However, if you believe the numbers, it appears that the Mighty Ducks, by not playing any games at all, would finally be in the black by the 2008-09 season.)

Alas, for the rest of us, life goes on.

ESPN has replaced NHL games on its programming schedule with a combination of billiards, strongest man competitions and promos for “Tilt.”

Meanwhile, Couch Slouch has replaced the NHL on TV with “Pet Star” on Animal Planet. It’s sort of a four-legged “American Idol.” Owners bring out their pets to perform extraordinary acts and there are three celebrity judges, though I usually don’t recognize two of them.

On a recent show, a cat climbed to a perch on top of a 12-foot pole and then leapt onto his owner’s shoulders. Absolutely stuck the landing. As it was happening, I rose from my sofa, just as I had when Dwight Clark made The Catch against the Cowboys in ‘82, and I was mesmerized by the slow-motion replay.

If and when the NHL comes back, it’s got some pretty large paws to fill.

Ask The Slouch

Q. As the nation’s premier sports viewer – maybe the world’s – can you give us some tips on how to watch sporting events that have particularly annoying commentators? (Harold Williams; Naples, Fla.)

A. When I drink to excess, I attempt to line my stomach with food, to absorb the alcohol. And when I’m watching particularly annoying commentators, I attempt to drink as much Southern Comfort as possible, to absorb the inane babble.

Q. Do Bobblehead manufacturers have to pay Titans kicker Gary Anderson for using his actual head-to-body proportions as a model for all of their products? (Chris Cook; Spokane.)

A. That one had a buck twenty-five written all over it by the time I got to “head-to-body proportions.”

Q. Do you believe Matt Leinart should’ve stayed in school? (Bill Stander; Shaker Heights, Ohio)

A. In school? I didn’t know he was in school – I thought he played football at USC.

Q. Do you think ESPN is involved in a massive Disney media conspiracy of trying to put TiVo out of business by playing “SportsCenter” and the World Series of Poker so many times, no one has to worry about missing a show because it will likely re-air in an hour, anyway? (Ryan Epling; Wayne, W.Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.