Uplifting rather than bitter words can cheer up wife

Hi: I’m a 33-year-old married male. My wife (32) is in a group of six girls. Two aren’t yet married. They hate all the husbands. I’m tired of my wife being made to feel bad for missing out on trips that those two take and then gloat about.

Also, since the two are single and loaded (both doctors) they fail to understand my wife’s more complicated financial situation – i.e., broke. Do I ever tell these “witches” to shut up? – Va.

Hard to see why they don’t like you.

These may be girls, but they’re big girls, which means they’re responsible for their own choices; “they” being not only the “witches,” but also your wife, who chose these “witches: as friends. Nobody “makes” her feel bad, she feels bad on her own. At 32, she has plenty of time to “make” herself a single doctor if that’s what she wants out of life.

I’m guessing, though, that it isn’t, since she opted freely to become a married whatever-she-is. So maybe next time she comes home feeling bad, instead of blaming it all on the doctors – really, how hackneyed is that – try an anti-bitter, pro-wife, “I’d love a trip like that, too, but I’d still choose our life over theirs.”

Dear Carolyn: My son (26) lives just outside of D.C. and was in a truly horrible two-year relationship with a woman that ended about a year ago. This is the only relationship he ever had, and he still hasn’t gotten over her (his words). He is good-looking and smart, but a true pessimist. His friends (male and female) and I are doing everything we can to convince him to put himself out there again. He’s done the online services, set-ups by friends and co-workers, but no one seems to be good enough for him. He is unhappy, and we are at our wits’ end with him. What would you advise us to suggest to him to get him moving again? – Boston Dad

We’re all friends here. Put the mail-order-bride catalogues down and back away slowly.

I mean, cheez. I’m sure you and his friends all mean well, but the harder you root for him, the more you reinforce the message that staying single makes him a freak. He is not an animal. He’s just a guy who got hurt.

A guy who is, apparently, unsure enough about himself romantically without the subliminal what’s-wrong-with-you chorus.

He’s got friends and a daddy who love him; he’s a lucky, well-tended-to guy. Assuming he’s not so unhappy as to be a danger to himself, it’s best to let him wallow in his wounded feelings till he gets sick of them on his own.

In fact, the kindest thing you can suggest at this point – and the most effective, but I won’t tell you that because I don’t want to encourage you – is that he take all the time he needs before he gets moving again. Besides, given the kind of attention brooding urban hotties attract, you want him single, at least till his outlook improves. And for the love of baked beans, don’t let him buy a guitar.