Is it wrong to expect competent work?

Questions more blistering than the summer heat:

With some 60 federal, state and local investigators working the case for seven weeks, why did it take a Denny’s waitress to rescue Shasta Groene from her abductor? Talk about a Grand Slam breakfast.

It’s just lucky Joseph Edward Duncan III didn’t take Shasta to IHOP. I don’t think the International House of Pancakes has an extradition agreement with Coeur d’Alene.

Forget about registering high-risk child sex offenders. Duncan reminds us these predators are so prone to re-offend that they should be walled up like characters in a Poe story.

Success has many fathers. But it still stinks that Shannon Sullivan had to wait until her recall petition against Mayor Jim West was approved for two lawyers to grab the spotlight – I mean generously offer their legal help.

Is anyone shocked that the ad-hoc panel investigating the mayor’s actions – a group appointed by a city attorney who serves at West’s pleasure – has added to the chaos and confusion?

At this rate, the city should agree on a final membership roster about a week before the mayor’s term expires.

I’ve seen more effective investigations run by Inspector Clouseau.

And how about the member participating via speakerphone? What is this, “Charlie’s Angels”?

But at least the panel gave former council member Steve Eugster a new issue to take to court.

Seriously, though, isn’t it time for the council to take back the initiative from West and launch a truly independent investigation with a strict timeline for producing results? Or would that make the city look too competent?

How about reducing the mayor’s salary to a dollar a year in the meantime? He can always hit his dad up for another loan when the next crisis PR bill comes due.

By the way, there’s no truth to the rumor West called Bret Boone this week and advised him to keep showing up at second base after the Mariners cut him loose.

But Boone really should stop his crying. Baseball has just been keeping the permed wonder from a lucrative career as a model for poodle stylists.

Watching last week’s KXLY/Pacific Northwest Inlander sit-down with West, didn’t you wonder why the mayor seemed so much better prepared than the three journalists did?

Guys, they’re called tough follow-up questions. Look into them.

Which reminds me, would Inland Northwest Pacificer make any less sense as a newspaper name?

Even as it scampers into bed with mainstream media outlets, the Inlander continues to bill itself as an “alternative weekly.” Alternative to what? Ambien?

The KXLY/Inlander survey found 3 percent of Spokane residents developed a more favorable opinion of West after the scandal broke. Note to pollsters: Stop calling the mayor’s house.

It’s said patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. Finding religion must be the first.

But West will need acting lessons to sell his newfound relationship with God. I haven’t heard statements that insincere since President Bush called the Iraq war a “last resort.”

Given the mayor’s personal attacks against The Spokesman-Review’s editor, Steve Smith could be excused for hanging up the next time West calls at 6:37 on a Sunday morning to offer a tearful explanation of his masturbatory practices.

Etiquette experts frown on initiating discussions of that sort before noon anyway. Or at least until everyone’s had time to finish their cornflakes.

Yeah, the paper’s really responsible for soiling the city’s reputation, isn’t it?

But it won’t take the blame for the mayor’s trousers.