Angry? Get over it and move on

I work hard at making each of these columns original, and after almost three years I try to avoid being redundant. Yet my e-mail keeps bringing me back to certain issues that seem to overwhelm the workplace. Anger tops that list.

A factory worker asked me recently to help him solve his problem with management, but he shaped the discussion when he wrote: “Three years ago I was suspended for three weeks and sent to therapy for reasons being (sic) I had (to) threaten management.” The e-mail rambled on, explaining that a particular supervisor has “ruined my life and I cannot afford to quit. He spreads lies about me and I feel that something needs to be done about him.”

I responded this way: “Fix thyself and good things often happen. You have to own this problem. I am struck by the phrase ‘I had to threaten management.’ You did not have to threaten management. You chose that route and it was a mistake. The better you act, the more positive you behave, the more his supervisors might come to recognize where the real problem is.”

After I sent off my reply I could not get over how much that man has been consumed by his own anger. He is destroying himself because he’s convinced that other people are after him. His anger, contempt and even hatred are making him do bad things, and he acts as if he has no control over his own behavior.

That’s the thing so few people understand about anger. It’s like a cancer that eats our soul away. We think it is outward-directed and when we’re angry at a person that we’re “really getting them.” That’s silly. Usually the person we are angry with has long forgotten his “transgression,” while we are still fuming and plotting revenge. The obsession is usually ours, and it destroys us while our target is oblivious. And, if our target is not oblivious and she has power, you are the only who is going to suffer.

The case of the factory worker is typical. His anger has destroyed his standing with the company and his target is untouched by all his venom. He is being judged negatively for his behavior and he has become blind to that because his anger overwhelms everything.

The solution is not to stop being angry. Unless you are in line for sainthood, you are going to get angry at work. We all do. I got angrier than most, especially earlier in my career. I never really conquered anger, but I did come to understand that my anger always said more about me than it said about the object of my anger. I also came to realize how bruising and intimidating my anger could be.

I gradually learned anger was inevitable, but my self-destructive and hurtful reactions did not have to be. Rather than being kindling for venom and retaliation, anger needs to be fuel for determination and constructive problem-solving. Anger can be OK if we do something positive with it.

I recently encountered a woman who was angry and upset about an encounter with a co-worker. As we talked, a smart woman interjected something like, “It’s fine to be angry, but you still have to fix the problem.” That is an insight that has escaped the factory worker who e-mailed me. He has turned his anger outward and is intent upon inflicting damage on his alleged wrongdoers when he should use his anger to focus on a solution.

When I told people in a recent seminar they needed to “get over it and move on,” one young woman thanked me for the admonition. She said, “I hang on to bad feelings way too long. They make me a mess and they get in the way of doing my job well.” Amen.

Tip for your search: The old standby method of controlling anger is to count to 10, or in my case, to 100. In the same way, never send an angry memo without sleeping on it or asking someone else to read it. Let your anger simmer. Put it in perspective. Is the situation worth offending colleagues and making your job tougher?

Resource for your search: Visit the Web site of James J. Messina, Ph.D, at this address: www.coping.org/anger/content.htm