When conversing, follow these rules

In today’s installment of “The Art of Sparkling Conversation,” we are going to demonstrate several deadly conversational mistakes.

See if you can identify the mistake being made here, in this conversation between Jerry and Molly:

Jerry: So, yeah, I have a pretty important position at West Coast Info-Data Corp. I have 14 people working under me and I have to crack the whip on ‘em pretty hard.

Molly: That’s interesting, because in my job, we all work together as a team and it’s …

Jerry: But anyway, I’m sure I’m going to get promoted pretty soon to upper management where I won’t have to deal with that group anymore. First thing I’m going to do when I get that promotion is buy a new car.

Molly: Really? I just bought a new car. It’s a Subaru Forester and I just …

Jerry: No. A Lexus.

Molly: What?

Jerry: I’m not going to buy a Subaru. I hate those wimpy cars. I’m going to buy a Lexus, one of those Lexus SUVs. Those things are hot. Plus, I need something that can tow my boat.

Molly: That’s interesting. (Attempting to change subject) So, what do you think about nuclear proliferation? What’s going to happen with North Korea?

Jerry: Yeah, it’s a 26-footer. I’ve been boating since I was 6. Grew up on Lake Pend Oreille, went there every summer. Let me tell you the story about the day I swam all the way across it on a dare …

OK, do you recognize the mistake? Jerry committed the common gaffe of making everything about his favorite subject – Jerry. Or, as we conversation analysts sometimes like to call it, “Yammering on About Your Boring Self and Never Shutting Up,”

Now, here’s another common conversational mistake. See if you can spot it.

Molly: I just got back from two weeks off. I went to a cabin in Montana and took my dog, Bosco, with me. Bosco’s a delight – part golden retriever, part husky.

Jerry: Cool. Two weeks off is like, almost 14 days. So where did you go?

Molly: Montana. To a cabin in Montana. That’s where I took Bosco.

Jerry: Really? Did you take your dog, too?

Molly: Yes. Bosco’s my dog.

Jerry: Sure, I knew that. Cool. What kind of dog is he? Like a dachshund or something?

OK, do you recognize the mistake? Jerry is committing the etiquette lapse of not listening to the other person, or, as we conversational analysts like to put it, “Spacing Out and Then Saying Stuff that Makes Jerry Sound Like an Idiot.”

Now, here’s the last conversational mistake in today’s lesson. See if you can figure it out.

Molly: You should have seen little Ronnie at his third birthday party! He was so cute in his little baseball uniform!

Jerry: Who’s Ronnie?

Molly: He’s my nephew. You’d love him. Anyway did I tell you that Bud and Shirley are moving to Pocatello? Can you believe that? Pocatello?

Jerry: I don’t know Bud and Shirley …

Molly: Oh, you’d love them. They’re so funny. Anyway, they already sold their house here and they got $148,995 for it? Can you believe that? For that old house?

Jerry: I don’t know Bud and Shirley and I’ve never been to their …

Molly: Well, Carl and Lena were like, ooh, we’ll never get to see little Ronnie anymore, but you know how they are.

Jerry: No, I don’t.

Molly: Well, they’re just like that.

OK, did you detect the problem here? This time it’s Molly who’s committing the infraction. She’s talking about nonmutual acquaintances, or, as we conversational theorists like to put it, “Blabbing Tediously About People the Other Person Doesn’t Know and Couldn’t Possibly Care Less About.”

So, to sum up today’s lessons: 1. Don’t yap nonstop about Me, 2. When someone else talks, listen to the words, and 3. Avoid talking about nephews, unless you are actually talking to, for instance, their parents.

Keep an eye out for our next lesson in “The Art of Sparkling Conversation”: Telling funny jokes and remembering the punch line.

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