Man should keep mum about ex’s past

Q: I am a 43-year-old gay man who was in a relationship with a 35-year-old man for 14 years. In April 2004, he broke up with me and moved out, proclaiming that he is now “straight.” Now he’s engaged to a 20-year-old girl who has no clue about his past. I have never met her, but I understand that she is quite homely. Her father will be spending about $50,000 to pay for the wedding.

My ex and I work for different divisions of the same homophobic company. It is constantly mentioned to me how he has really “turned his life around, he’s engaged, getting married, etc.,” implying that my life is a mess or something.

My questions are these: Should someone tell this girl about his past? Should that someone be me?

Mia: Babe, you should walk away and not look back. This guy obviously has issues and treated you very badly, but no good will come of you going to his new girlfriend and telling her the truth. Here’s an example: After a guy dumped me in college, I went to his new girlfriend and told her he was a horrible person and would hurt her and leave her. The result? They both hated me and I didn’t feel any better.

I would turn my back. And get a new job in a non-homophobic company! Might make you feel better.

Steve: You could send her an anonymous letter. Your ex sounds like he might be using this girl as cover so he can remain closeted. If he really cared about her, he’d reveal his past. But in the end, it will be her choice whether or not to proceed.

Q: You should do some fact-checking before giving blind advice saying that having a baby in your late 30s and 40s is no problem. The risk of having a child with Down syndrome increases exponentially after age 30. There is also a rise in miscarriage risk as maternal age increases.

Sure, many women do have healthy pregnancies beyond age 30 and into their 40s, but the husband who was concerned about his wife’s maternal time clock has legitimate concerns.

Steve: Your numbers (which we didn’t reprint) may be out of date. The National Center for Health Statistics reports lower risk statistics than you cited for both children with Down syndrome and miscarriage rates. But your point is accurate: Risks to the health of the mother and child do increase with age. However, stampeding a woman into having a baby when she’s not ready is an even riskier proposition.

Mia: Agreed. Of course anyone thinking about having a baby should be checked out by an ob-gyn.

Q: I have been dating this awesome guy for three months. I’ve brought up the subject of making our relationship exclusive a couple of times, and he does not want to do it. One reason is that he thinks it’s too soon for either of us to tell whether we want to be with each other seriously yet.

It is so hard for me to accept because I want the “title” of girlfriend as a “security blanket” to lessen the chances of him hooking up with someone else.

Steve: You want security, call Wells Fargo. You want insecurity, fall in love. You just have to close your eyes and jump. But at some point (not three months), Mr. Awesome is obliged to state his intentions. With apologies to Johnnie Cochran, if he cannot commit, then you must quit.

Mia: Men sometimes freak out about the girlfriend word even when they really like somebody. So just ask him if he’s sleeping with anyone else. That’s what you really want to know. If he says no, you’re in the clear. Just wait a few more months before bringing up the girlfriend title.